January 8th. Cheers.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as art supplies, colored pencils, contraptions, January, Line, line of reasoning, Lucky, moment, nice things, night, pain, phonecam, reason, sketch pad, sketchpad, time, tomorrow, ukulele, veritable collection
Tonight, I was on the A train. Again. We really spend a lot of time together, me and that train. If it were a human, people would accuse us of being, like, together, I’m pretty sure. Lucky for both of us, it’s a train, and so there are no wild rumors flying.
I was sitting there, holding my sketchpad and colored pencils. Yes, tonight I went to a bar clutching a sketch pad and colored pencils. All. Night. Long. I could have brought a bag to put them in, I suppose, but when thinking about that, my line of reasoning happened like this: I could bring a bag, and then I wouldn’t have to hold my art supplies…But, shoot, then I’d have to hold a bag.
Discussion over.
Because for some illogical reason, I decided that carrying a bag–equipped with those very convenient and modern contraptions called handles! that you just effortlessly sling over your shoulder!–was much less annoying than just toting a sketchpad and colored pencils around like it was the world’s worst clutch.
Sometimes I make no sense.
Which is why I was on the A train, holding my art supplies and minding my own business, when I saw someone staring at me, walking slowly towards me. His pace picked up as he got closer, and, when our eyes met, he said, “You’re…the girl, aren’t you? With the ukulele?”
I smiled.
He smiled.
It was a moment packed with smiles, guys.
“I am,” I said.
“I saw you! Today! On the internet–can I get my picture with you?” he asked.
And I wasn’t kidding about the smiles, either–see?
“I’m Jessica,” I said, shaking his hand. Which is when I found out his name is Bernard. And Bernard is a wonderful human and what is it about the A train that has a veritable collection of wonderful humans riding it?
And then we talked about the video. How it happened. What it means. How much joy is found in those moments that Matt captured with his phonecam. And what happens next. He had some very nice things to say about that, Bernard did.
And now, if you will come this way with me, I will show you just a corner of my heart. Because, see, tomorrow is a very sad day for me. January 8th, I mean. And I had completely forgotten that it was coming up so fast–I mean, it was a ninja this year, all stealth until suddenly: BOO! I’M HERE! Which, maybe makes no sense, cause if a ninja ever said BOO! I’M HERE!–well, he’d probably be told he has one hour to clean out his cubicle and call a cab.
But, yes, as I said, January 8th is a sad day. And I was sitting in my bed tonight when I looked at the calendar, suddenly realizing that it was Sunday. Tomorrow. The 8th, come back again. Like tax day, only much more emotionally involved and, thankfully, does not leave me with a bill from Uncle Sam.
And then I realized that it is tomorrow that I am going into the studio and recording a song that will be released on itunes. That is, I must confess, a dreamy thing for me to do. And by dreamy I only mean: it’s the kind of thing that makes you want to pinch yourself to make sure that this is real. Too good to be true and all that.
And I remembered how my family and friends would tell me, back in the early days of January 8th being so acutely difficult, that there are very good things ahead. To hold on, don’t give up. But those kinds of cliches, they pale in comparison to the very real pain you feel in the moment. And the pain is so good at acting like it’s here to stay. Like it’s the final word. Like sadness is not just a feeling, but it has somehow replaced the very marrow in your bones; you keep digging and digging deeper inside, but you can’t escape it. Cause it’s your center now, this sadness, and it resides right smack in the middle of everything you know about life.
And the realization sounded like this: THEY WERE RIGHT. The people who told me that good things were still ahead, they were right. And tonight my brother texted me I told you so and I can tell you right now, that smartass response is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard.
And I don’t think it’s an accident that this is taking place on January 8th. I think it sounds a lot like redemption. The redemption that somehow everyone but me knew would come all along. But now? Oh, now I’m a believer.
Here’s to this January 8th being good, for a change.
caught.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as all sorts, Boundaries, business, but, car, dime, dyckman, gestures, getting a girlfriend, half, kind, Line, nod, priorities, starbursts, subway, subway car, sweet business, THINK, WOULD
It’s awkward when:
You are sitting on the subway, minding your own sweet business, and a guy boards. The car is basically empty and he sits right. next. to. you.
Not a good sign, you think, but you’ve been wrong before, so maybe you’re wrong again. You hope so, anyway.
But then he starts talking. And talking. And asking too many questions. Boundaries are obviously not high on his list of priorities. You know what is? Getting a girlfriend. How do you know? Cause he tells you this. A lot. You say the regular line, tell him that you have a boyfriend, and, when pressed, you even say that you and this fictitious boyfriend live together. Apparently you’ve been living together for a year and a half. Though, you’ve never seen a dime for rent. Perhaps a real boyfriend would be better for that kind of thing.
He starts asking for your number (BUT WHAT WOULD MY LIVE-IN, MOOCHING, FICTITIOUS BOYFRIEND THINK?!), telling you about how fine he thinks the ladies are in Chicago (of all places), which is when you decide to hop out at 190th and hop onto the next car over. The conversation is over. It’s wasn’t–but it is now, cause you’re peace-ing out.
“This is your stop?” he asks, noticing you jump up at 190th.
It is now, you think, and give him a nod as you jump out of that car and onto the next.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
And you settle down in the next car for the last remaining minutes on the A train until Dyckman. Which is when you notice that, through the window of your car and the window of the car you had just left, the man–the inappropriate one–is waving at you. A lot. And making all sorts of other gestures. Not cute ones, either. He looks kind of mad. And you feel guilty. You feel just plain caught all over again. Like the time you and your brother were discovered to have stolen the starbursts and framed another brother with their wrappers. You feel a little bit of shame again now, on the subway car, watching that man watch you sitting there, obviously having left the train just to simply leave his presence.
Now, I am not saying that it was bad, really, what I did. People who have no boundaries and are just out to get laid (without even the decency to pretend otherwise!) are much like terrorists. And, like the US policy with terrorists, I don’t negotiate with them. But still, it was super awkward, sitting there like that. Seeing him see me. I really could have used one of those disappearing capes of Harry Potter’s. But I haven’t found them on sale at the salvation army.
Not yet, anyway.
those happy finlanders.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as alabamians, battle, battle of gettysburg, courage, faith and hope, faith hope, feure, finlanders, happiest people on earth, heckuva, hope, hope and faith, i don t care, kind, life, Line, love, people of finland, perspective, quote
Shane told me something about Finland tonight. He said that they are the happiest people on earth. No really, statistically they are. But. They also have the lowest expectations. I suppose there is a correlation. But, I am not sure how to work that out in my life. I mean, it’s a matter of perspective, [...]
Mixed news.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as alaskan fishing, audition, backpack, bad news, confusing mess, dancing, fisherman, fishing boat, home, kind, Line, little trunks, mixed news, production, reason, round, sexy show, show, time to go home, today
The good news is that I auditioned for a production of Chicago today and stayed till the end. The dancing was fun and felt good. I felt like I sang it for real, for real–like to my potential. And I have to say, the line, Oh I’m no one’s wife, but–Oh, I love my life!–well, [...]
what a day!
in Thoughts and Feelings
as area code, collarbone, date, day, exercise, feeling, friend, friendlier place, High, high line, kind, Line, martial arts, mine, nothing, romance, roommates, shoulders, state, stranger, sun, time, time one, today, train, warmup, weather, whoa, word
Today was an undeniably good day. I met David, a friend of mine who I have not seen for some time, and together, we strolled the High Line. It was once an elevated train here in New York, but has for some time just been empty. But now it’s renovated and planted all over with [...]
something.
in Thoughts and Feelings, video
as absolute truth, blurb, cowboy boots, curly hair, cute smile, gratitude, greater purpose, Hideous, kind, Line, moment, monologue, Oops, purpose, sociopath, stop, thought, Voice, voice lessons
I feel like I’m in camp or something. I do all this yoga. And apparently some martial arts. And auditions. And voice lessons. And I am hungry all the time. And then when I am not doing all that stuff, I think. And pray. And practice, practice, practice. Gratitude and grace and things along that [...]
lyrics.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as beautiful things, beauty, double edged sword, embrace, eminem, everything, intimacy, Kanye, kind, leona lewis, Line, love, lyrics, radio play, risk, rush, sister, sister jenna, song, time
My sister Jenna says that I am always about a billion years behind on music. And she’s kind of right. Like, I will fall in love with songs at least a year or more after they’ve stopped getting radio play. That’s what happened with Kanye’s Stronger. And Eminem’s just about everything. And most recently, it’s [...]
auditions, auditions.
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as accompanist, audition, book readers, city, coffee drinkers, crazy thing, drink coffee, driving to the train, face, falling, fashion, kindred spirit, Line, person, rimmed glasses, sort, today, universal connection, Voice, yellow pants
I got up early this morning. I went to two auditions in the city. Would you like to know what I do to get ready for an audition? Well, today I wore these yellow pants. That was step one. You really can’t audition without pants. Unless you’re wearing a dress. That works, too, I suppose. [...]
