what we say backstage.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as call, cheater, God, kind, long time, none, none of that stuff, nothing but the truth, proverb, question, relationships, something, something is better than nothing, stage, tastes, time, truth, witness
I have this lovely friend.
She and I talk about boys.
The lovely and the lame–we talk about them all.
Well, the ‘all’ that we’ve known at least.
We sit on the set bed while it’s backstage and we discuss.
We don’t sit on it while it’s onstage and discuss, cause we’d probably be fired then.
“He texted me,” she’ll say.
“And…?” I’ll prompt.
And then I’ll get the low-down.
Or:
“Yeah, I talked to him,” I’ll tell her.
“And…?” she’ll say.
And then it’s on.
But yesterday, she asked me a question.
“Do you think I should hang out with so-and-so?” she asked.
“Do you want to?” I asked right back.
“Well…it’s kind of nice sometimes, I guess…”
“Even though so-and-so has been SO SO SO lame in the past?” I’ll ask her. And yes, I am totally leading the witness.
“…Well…” she’ll say, slowly.
And I know that kind of well; I mean, I recognize it.
“I know what you mean, but I’m gonna bring God into this, if you don’t mind.”
“Bring him,” she said.
“I was reading a proverb and it said something about how to the hungry, even what is bitter tastes sweet. And I am not sure what other people think that means, but for me–I think that can mean relationships. Like, it feels good to be liked and loved and paid attention to and none of that stuff is wrong, necessarily…unless it IS wrong, you know?”
She nodded her head.
“Say the proverb again?” she asked.
And I did.
“Sometimes I think we’re so hungry that we just take anything into ourselves and call it food, call it good, just cause it’s something and we think something is better than nothing, but the truth is that SOME THINGS are way worse than NOTHING.”
“Like being with a cheater just cause you’re lonely,” she chimed in.
“Exactly,” I said.
“And,” I went on, “I will be the first to admit that I am hungry…”
“So hungry…” she agreed.
“It’s been a long time since I’ve had anything close to a meal in terms of relationships,” I said.
And again, she agreed.
And then we started laughing really hard on that set bed backstage.
Finally, I took a breath to say, “We’re laughing because it’s true,”
“So true,” she said.
Which made both of us laugh all over again.
And then we got off the bed and went back on stage.
this is what it feels like.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as beautiful mess, beauty, Cheesecake, cheesecake factory, date, dear friend, God, Happy, heartache, kind, long time, mess, nobody, own skin, progress, relationship, respect life, skin, survivors, time
About every few months or so (sometimes longer, sadly) a dear friend of mine and I get together for a date. She lives pretty far away, and now even further, considering that I spend a lot of my time in NYC these days. We usually meet at the Cheesecake Factory. She doesn’t have one where she lives, and likes to take advantage of it. This is fine with me. I mean, have you ever had cheesecake? If so, I am sure you understand why this is fine with me.
Anyway, tonight was a long anticipated date with her. We talked for a very long time. We have a unique ability to be extremely honest with each other. Part of this is because we have both lived through some pretty similar and extreme heartache in our young lives, respectively. I mean, we just don’t have a lot of time for bull. Not anymore. We both kind of feel like survivors, I guess. Though, really, we’re all survivors, in some respect; life is a beautiful mess. Nobody can avoid either the beauty or the mess forever, I think.
But tonight as we were saying good-bye, she hugged me and said quite frankly, “I’ve been meaning to tell you all night that you look different. Happy. Strong and comfortable in your own skin. You look better than I’ve ever seen you–and it’s just really good to see.”
Her words resonated as I thought about what she said. “And you know what?” I replied. “I haven’t been rescued by a guy. I mean, there have been guys who have been so kind and present–but there’s not one guy in my life right now. And I am doing well.”
“I remember you telling me how that’s what you wanted–to be okay on your own, not running into a relationship because you don’t know who you are without some guy telling you–and you said that, what, back in the winter, I think,” she reminded me.
And it dawned on me: progress.
This is not to congratulate myself at all. God knows, I can be a real mess. I mean, in a lot of ways. I can’t keep an organized closet to save my life, it seems (luckily, that has not been put to the test). Plus, I am an intensely feeling and emotional individual–and all those emotions can lead me down roads that are not exactly rational. Also, I tend to get crushes on guys too easily and I have a weakness for pretty dresses, lotion, and solitaire.
But, despite all that–still: progress.
And I think it’s important to note when we’ve moved a little in what might look like the right direction. And pray God that it keeps happening.
Despite the weakness for pretty dresses, lotion, and solitaire (gasp).
tenterhooks.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as balcony, basis, behavior, blank canvas, boston public library, byob, castles in the sand, date, everything, fad, fragile things, girl, grain of salt, hanging, human experience, kind, Library, life, long time, music, nineteen thirties, ocean, one of the lucky ones, reading, Ridiculous, self-help, shades, silence, something, stairs, subjective word, time, tiny grain, untoward, untoward behavior, variation, woman
I wrote this yesterday, while sitting in the grand and inspiring building known as the Boston Public Library. Rich, a lovely gentleman who works there, showed us some old hanging lightbulbs that date back to the nineteen thirties. He also showed us a balcony that is now closed, due to too many people falling off [...]
when possums don’t bite.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as ant, arm, choice, conversation, fingers, ground, hand, horror films, itty bitty, joints, leaves, long time, need, possum, possums, sharp teeth, sky, time, twigs, year
I talked to a friend for a long time tonight. We were under a dark and star-studded sky. A September sky, not hot at all; because August and all her summery ways have packed up her things and moved down south, just like she does every year. And at least she does it, you know. [...]
let it be.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as arctic sea, change, job, kindness, long time, matter, sea, second, truth of the matter
Lately, some people have blamed me for what has happened to me. And the truth of the matter is that I am not perfect; I never have been, nor will I be. And it is exhausting to try for perfection. Though, to try for kindness–to try for love–this is the kind of trying that turns [...]
when words have meaning again and the meaning is sweet.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as Christian, God, lack, life, long time, marriage, Peace, Quentin Tarantino, shock, way, word
I can’t go through this again, I said, suddenly serious. Yes, you could, my friend Christian told me, just as serious. No, it’d kill me. I can’t, I just can’t, I kept repeating. No, you’d get through it. Just like you get through all of life, he assured me. And then I told him I’d [...]
