I don’t understand what it is that makes strangers talk to me, but it happens all the time. Just now, when I was about to walk down to the subway, a man blurts out to me, “My wife hates me.”

I stop; those are powerful words, after all.

“I doubt that,” I say. But now that I think about it, I shouldn’t doubt that statement. Many husbands and wives end up hating each other. Love fades so easily. It’s the perfectly healthy, stout little frog that jumped into my very messy closet when I was a little girl. Poor thing had no chance in that maze of clothes with no food or water. I found a sad pile of little frog bones much, much later.

We wonder why, after we’ve hopped blindly into a dark closet–away from any and all nourishment–we find our relationships no longer in tact. Not that I’m an expert. If I’m an expert at anything, it’s finding the frog skeleton. Someday I’d like to find the healthy little frog; someday I’d like to say LOOK! I KEPT HIM ALIVE! And then live happily ever after. I’ll even do the dishes. Well, when I remember. But I probably won’t mow the lawn and I definitely won’t watch tv every night. Sorry, there are just some things I will not do.

The details of our lives are so good at keeping things in perspective, huh? So many people–mostly those who I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting in real life–tell me to please “keep it real.” And maybe these people don’t realize that I am the girl who walks around with a large chunk of cheese in her bag. Sure, it’s because I met friends at Whole Foods for dinner, and, seeing the cheese on sale for $2.79, simply had to buy that along with dinner and then stick it in my bag for the rest of the night–but, the fact remains: cheese. In my bag. All night long. Sexy, I know.

I guess what I am saying is that if ever started to think too highly of myself walking around in my super cool earmuffs that make my ears all squishy and warm, then all I need to do it glance into my canvas bag and see a large and orange hunk of cheese. I mean, I don’t think the glamorous women of the world carry around cheese. I might be wrong. Perhaps Madonna, cheese in hand, would say otherwise.

Also, this: every night I go to sleep wearing a retainer in my mouth.

So, I guess my point is that I have found a dead frog in my closet. Both for real AND metaphorically speaking. I walk around with cheese in my bag. I sleep with a retainer. If those things don’t keep it real, then God help us all.

The good news is that my mom bought me a bailey’s irish creme cupcake; the bad news is that my pop ate it first.

The good news is that my mom then gave me her coconut cupcake; the bad news is that it was not the bailey’s irish creme cupcake I had really been looking forward to.

The good news is that my mom knows the rules of restitution; the bad news is that, according to her, my pop now owes me four cupcakes. I suppose he will have to become The Cupcake Fairy along with already being The Milk Fairy. And then I will have to have a party in which I invite a few friends to help me eat my plethora of cupcakes and, oh yeah, help me keep fitting in my jeans.

The good news is that I have really been doing my part in going green by only averaging about two showers a week lately; the bad news is that you are now probably judging me. Oh, and it may be that much more difficult to ever start dating again unless I up my showers to at least three per week. Maybe even four if we’re talking clean hair more often than not.

The good news is that I sent off my bling in my mail-ordered break-up box today; the bad news is that it has come to this: a couple of pieces of jewelry that used to mean the moon and back and now simply mean a check and a bad taste in my mouth. Yep, coulda really used that cupcake.

The good news is that my stylist waved something of a magic wand today and got rid of my roots; the bad news is I’m thinking he’s not in love with my super magic blond hair since he’s already discussing with me ‘the plan’ to go darker again. Something about carmel. But don’t get all excited cause I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean candy. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t have told him I was ready today.

The good news is that I saw a raccoon up close at a friend’s house tonight; the bad news is that his tail was somewhat shorter than normal and kinda skinny, too. And I got the distinct impression that he was aware of the fact cause he kept hiding it behind the wooden railing.

The good news is that tomorrow is Tuesday and it’s a nice, new Tuesday that hasn’t even been written yet; the bad news is that Tuesdays can sometimes make me think of that Tuesday. The one I barely survived. The one that reminded me about how life isn’t at all the way I planned it and sometimes The Worst slips off its disguise and looks you squarely in the face right before it moves in, whether you’re ready or not.

The good news is that that Tuesday will never happen again; the bad news is that that Tuesday happened at all.

The good news is that when I saw one of my friends today, he noticed how I couldn’t stop smiling; the bad news is that sometimes I remember all of the things that have recently transpired and it turns my smile off like a light. And if it’s a night like this, when the moon is remarkably absent, it can start to feel pretty dark out there.

The good news is that me and Shane agreed on a band name, finally; the bad news is that somebody else agreed on that band name back in 2008. They even got a myspace page. For a day. Just one day. But it’s still there and it’s still keeping us from being The Janes, like we were trying to be.

The good news is that I had tasty thai food tonight; the bad news is that it was tasty and spicy and thank God for milk that is ready and available.

The good news is that I am already in bed and it is already late; the bad news is that I am too tired to keep writing, so I think my report is now finished.

The good news is that I thought of just one more thing: the bad news is that it is that I looked at the word ‘news’ and suddenly forgot how to spell it. Is it really just the pluralization of the word ‘new’ as in ‘new and shiny’? How is that so? I even googled it. Sure enough, it’s right. And sure enough, I’m tired.