I wonder.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as beautiful day, brilliance, Cassiopeia, income ratio, lemons, many things, Orion, Pumpkins, sky, taurus
So many things.
Lame things, like why my skin is so dang dry lately.
Heartrending things, like what God’s plan is for me.
The details, I mean.
How, exactly, I am going to earn the money I need to pay my bills.
Not that I worry about this.
I mean, maybe I should, but I don’t.
It’s strange, in terms of bills to income ratio, I’ve been doing better barely making anything than when I was making a whole ton of money.
And I don’t think that’s going to suddenly change.
I mean, it’s not like that’s an accident.
But Chicago closes in two weeks and enough people have been asking me what’s next for me to begin wondering it myself.
Which is when I become this kind of hovering question when God and I talk.
“Look at this beautiful day I made,” He says.
Or at least, I see the trees brightly lit with leaves the color of pumpkins and lemons; the sky filled with stories that we refer to as Orion and Taurus and Cassiopeia, and that seems to be a general message.
And sometimes it’s so beautiful that it stops my question.
It lingers unasked because I already know the answer.
Well, enough of the answer, anyway.
Because how can one look at such brilliance and beauty and ease of nature without realizing that your own life is a part of the glory, too?
So, then, sure.
I guess that’s what’s next.
Not that looking at leaves and stars pay the bills around here, exactly.
But, I mean, all of that reminds me of how it’s gonna be okay.
It already is okay, and that’s not suddenly gonna stop.
Even when it felt like it did stop, it didn’t.
Not really.
The okayness came back.
Maybe even deeper than before.
yellow.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as bellies, booth, car, color, dinner, dream, favorite color, friendship, hearts, Important, LOVED, many things, parking, parking lot, truth, while, yellow, yellow roses
Once, a friend and I went to dinner.
It had been a while.
Too long, truth be told.
We talked of many things and told each other not to settle for less than the things we dream of.
We drove away that night, bellies full and hearts fuller.
And then another month or so went by and that same friend told me he had something for me.
“Walk with me to my car,” he said.
I did, and once we got there, he handed me this.
“Do you remember that night we had dinner?” he asked.
I nodded as he continued.
“When we drove out of the parking lot, respectively, the lady at the booth was selling these.”
“I remember that!” I interjected.
“I bought this for you that night,” he continued, ”It’s yellow–”
“My favorite color…” I interrupted, smiling.
“And also the color of friendship,” he said, smiling, too, now.
“It’s perfect,” I said, “Thank you so much…”
And now whenever I look at that yellow rose, I remember that I am loved.
And liked, too.
And never, never alone.
And this is good.
Maybe even important.
To surround ourselves with the things that remind us of who we are.
Loved.
Important.
Worth knowing.
Worth eating dinner with.
And buying roses for.
Even yellow roses, for friendship.
Especially yellow roses, for friendship.
prophesies and such.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as abandon, dissatisfaction, documentaries, everything, fourteen years, goodness sake, instant solution, kind, leotards, many things, mystery, nail, person, prophet, sake, solution, soothsayer, story, time
Once a traveling prophet came to town. A traveling prophet. It sounds like they belong in big tents and small towns; In novels and documentaries of times past, but it wasn’t that long ago. I was fourteen years old. And I stood there, trembling before this soothsayer, hoping that whatever he said would good and [...]
divorciversary.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as bed of clover, clover, creek, good, imperfect part, January, kind, life, life tip, love, many things, month of april, paint, perfect mix, sadness, sepia, shiver, time, tip toes, today
This month of April marks my one year divorciversary. This means something; this is okay. No, it’s good. I remember this past January feeling like the snow and cold would last forever. Look, it hasn’t. Just today I walked by a creek. If I were someone else, I would know the name of the creek. But [...]
puppy love. no, really.
in Loved Ones, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as cannot, ears, help, hug, life, love, many things, puppy love, safe, smile, someone, squint, wake, way
Sometimes I cannot help but wake up, smile in such a way to make my eyes squint like so, and hug a big dog. I am glad he lets me. There are so many things that make life good. I really don’t have to look far to feel grateful. It might just be his ears [...]
oh, snap.
in Loved Ones, Performance, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as aisles, boots, dishtowels, dresses, kind, life, many things, mom, moon, plastic, plastic toys, show, snap, snow, sweater, sweater tights, Target, those girls, yellow
Today I went to the mall. I do not particularly like the mall. There is too much stuff in the world; I find it overwhelming. I walk through the aisles of places like Target and I wonder how it is that so many things like dishtowels and plastic toys populate an earth that is otherwise [...]
