Happy.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as cash register, conversations, critical condition, dark, dark night of the soul, fragile hearts, girl, Happy, Integrity, life, look at your eyes, mess, money, series, survivor, tonight, uncertainty, waiting room, while
“Well, you look happy,” the guy behind the cash register told me tonight.
“That’s because I am,” I said, smiling.
And I wish that I could go back to the girl laying in bed, believing–no, convinced–that she would never be happy again. That life was nothing more than a series of appropriate times to brush one’s teeth, with some hours in between in which you eat meals, make some money, engage in conversations, and all the while try not to let anyone look at your eyes.
But maybe I don’t really wish that. Maybe it’s better that I walked (and stumbled and crawled and just plain laid there) through the uncertainty. Isn’t that faith? Integrity? Whatever makes us different from animals (beloved and dear as they are to us all!)–whether it’s soul or thought or spirit or will–doesn’t whatever all that really is in us come out when we’re going through a dark night of the soul with no guarantee that it will change on earth?
And yes, I’ve heard about heaven and all that. But it’s important to walk through the mess here. In the dark. It grows up our fragile hearts, I guess. Makes them stronger.
And no, I am not done. I mean, I’m not wholly content with how my life looks to the point where I’m finished. But I’m happy. I wake up feeling hopeful. And hungry. Two things that I didn’t feel for a long time, didn’t know I ever would again, but look at me now, I guess; look at me now.
And, in the book The Survivor’s Club, I just read what a doctor said about a patient in critical condition. “The chances of surviving are exponentially higher if they have a waiting room full of people waiting for them to be okay and visitors who never stop visiting; whereas those who don’t, survive much less often.”
And gosh, I’m grateful. I know I’m not here cause I was strong or something. No–I’m here cause I was loved. In a way, my visitors never stopped visiting and my waiting room was full of such kind people.
And here I am, happy today.
most of the time.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as brother jason, cash money, earth and sun, emotional kind, endorphins, family, handstands, kind, mad at the world, money, physical exertion, sky, something, stand by me, subway, sun, sun and sky, time, tonight today, training
I was really happy to see some special family members who are visiting from the too-far-away West Coast. It’s earth and sun and sky to be with them, believe me.
And I was really happy to get back to training in capoeira tonight.
Today has been a strange and emotional kind of day. I felt a little bit mad at the world, too. Just a little bit. But then I got to class and I got to move. MOVE. And it was hot and it hurt and it was perfect. I got to forget about what I was feeling–or rather, I got to feel something else. Endorphins. And physical exertion.
And I have to say, I have been forcing myself to practice my handstands against a wall every day lately, and tonight my handstands were better. I actually stayed in the air for a bit.
Just a bit, but I’ll take it.
And while waiting in the subway tonight–waiting in the HOTTTTTTTT subway–someone made me laugh. He was standing there, playing his guitar, hustling the crowd a little for some cash money and singing Stand By Me when, next thing I know he’s moved so he’s standing directly in front of me. And talking to me.
The poor guy looks like he’s positively melting, he’s sweating so profusely, but I try to ignore his dripping on the floor in front of me as I listen to what he has to say.
“You might find this strange, but…what are the odds of getting your name, number, and a date before your train pulls up?”
I smile.
And then I tell him that my boyfriend would probably not like that.
(my boyfriend–one of which my brother Jason assures me I have tons of–boys who care about me a lot. Therefore it’s not technically lying…)
“I knew it!” he says. “I knew you’d have a boyfriend…”
And then he goes on to say that because he’s sweating so much, he’s not gonna let me throw myself at him. You know, get all up on him.
“Not now,” he says. “Not when I’m like this…”
I pretend to look very sad and say I understand his policy and so will refrain.
And then burst out laughing.
Cause it was funny.
And funny can be heartening.
Funny makes me feel a little less mad at the world.
Actually it reminded me that the world really isn’t so bad.
Which is what I told my dear friend Christine’s brand new baby boy Silas, when I held him last night.
“Welcome to the world, Silas. It’s really a wonderful place…most of the time.”
And it is.
Most of the time.
show!
in Funny Stuff, Performance
as blast, course, date, Definitely, drummer, heart, kind, landenberg, mojo, money, music, one of the guys, sentiment, show, stage, stranger, tonight, way, yellow pants
Tonight’s show. You guys. It was super fun. Like, I still feel it. All smiley and stuff. We played a full set at Mojo Main and there were four of us on stage making a pretty nice wall of music and then there were all these people listening. And the yellow pants club was in [...]
alright, then. houston it is.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as act, airline, airplane, airpor, airport, AMOUNT, amount of money, bit, calm, connecting flight, dim, dim the lights, earth quakes, famous quote, fault, flight, free shuttle, guide, hahahahahahaha, hotel price, houston we have a problem, information phone, Japan, kind, legit, little bit of rain, LOVED, money, MONSOON, moon, Neat, Philly, phone, plane, quote, shuttle, something, squint your eyes, surprise, sushi, tarmac, trouble, twelve hours, two ways
There are two ways of looking at it, I suppose: a). I paid a certain amount of dollars to ride on an airplane and, as it turns out, I got to spend an extra two hours on that airplane for the same amount of money. Neat-O. And if I absolutely LOVE the act of simply [...]
nice. mostly.
in Funny Stuff, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as Adam Sandler, business, food, Ian, julia gulia, Julia Julia Gulia, many different things, money, Thai, thai food, theater/tour, thoughts/life, tonight, vancouver, walking home, whole meals
It’s amazing how you feel when you come down from the mountains. That sentence could mean so many different things, I realize, but what I am referring to is the wonderful fact that we are no longer singing and dancing in dry air and high altitudes. Really, it actually makes a difference. I wasn’t struggling [...]
