monsters.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as bed, bedroom, brother, couples, dirge, downstairs, everything, heart, innocence, life sentence, matter, monsters, pain, pop, sadness, sense, sentence, taps, thought
So, this:
It’s true, isn’t it?
I stopped looking for monsters when my heart stopped.
Well, partially stopped.
I mean, it kept beating.
But it sounded more like Taps than anything else.
A slow dying dirge.
I stopped looking for monsters when I grew up.
Well, I grew up and became a child at once.
Suddenly my love was old, older than the the years I had spent here.
And tired, so tired.
I saw people, couples, hand-holding and laughing friends–and thought how sad it is that they are fleeting; I thought about how maybe they didn’t know it yet, but that yes, they are fleeting.
That everything is fleeting.
And that made me curl up in bed.
I’d look at dinner like it was a part of a culture that I no longer understood.
And I’d hide.
I’d run downstairs to my brother’s old bedroom.
And that’s when my pop found me.
And he crawled into bed next to me and told me that I’d be okay.
But that sounded crazy.
Not like the monsters inside of me.
They made sense when they told me I’d never be okay again.
They told me the logical next step was sadness and pain forever.
A life sentence, despite my innocence in the matter.
But pop disagreed.
And he wasn’t the only one.
And the thing is, I am different than I was.
But I don’t hate the changes anymore.
And I don’t agree with the monsters anymore.
Most of the time, anyway.
And maybe more importantly, I am not so afraid of them.
lots of little thoughts tonight.
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as al queda, backside, contact, half, Huh, Jess, mini van, monster, monsters, name, practice yoga, sister, sister jenna, slap, someone, teenager, time, way, while, Yep
Sometimes on the way to the dream you get lost and find your way to a better one.
I don’t know who said that, but I like it.
And I agree with it.
Well, it doesn’t even matter if I agree with it or not–it’s true. I mean, it happens.
———————-
“You’re finally a teenager, Jess,” my mom told me tonight.
“Um…huh?” I asked.
“You talk about boys now–so much! You didn’t even talk about boys like this when you were an actual teenager.”
“Pop!” I got his attention–”Do you think I talk about boys ‘so much,’ like mom said?”
…Pop thinks…
“Yep,” he said. “More now than then, because you were so focused on dance then. You just didn’t have time.”
Little do they know that I did talk about boys then. Just not necessarily to them. I think that’s what’s changed so much.
Um, and the fact that I am single again.
For the first time in a while, you know.
————————
I now have someone stored in my contacts as Ben The Israeli.
(don’t ask)
“At least it’s not good ol’ Ben Lawden,” my sister Jenna says.
Yeah, Ben Lawden.
At one point, I thought that was the name of the head of Al Queda.
Boring old Ben Lawden. Sounds like he could be from Jersey. Like he has two and a half kids and a mini-van to tote them around in.
———————–
It’s weird to be in Pennsylvania during the week. My schedule feels all wrong. Today was Tuesday but I didn’t train with Capoeira Brasil at 6:00. I didn’t practice yoga at 7:30. Strange.
But.
I did play with a bunch of wonderful kids who share my last name and who were just begging me to PLEASE! BE A MONSTER! JESS!
And I did.
Turns out their favorite defense against monsters are a sound slap on the backside. I hope they understand that that particular form of warfare is only to be measured out against monsters who are also your aunt.
light the world on fire (for christine).
in Loved Ones, MP3, video
as birthday, candle, colors, dreams, fire, friend christine, glow, God, Happy, happy birthday, heart, hill, lyrics, monsters, rendition, standard, today, ukelele, world on fire
I was gonna do a little rendition of that old standard, Happy Birthday, for my friend Christine today. But then I got to thinking…And decided to just write something else for her. (It’s the first thing I’ve written on my ukelele) Lyrics: Though life’s not quite always what it seems You still need to paint [...]
sometimes.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Auto, brother, car, dark, deal, direction, Draft, fea, feeling, fist, girl, ground, hand, house, jenna, jonathan, lake, laugh, legs, monsters, night, right, rocks, rustling, something, sound, sprinklers, standing, tank top, thud, victim, weapons
Sometimes the monsters you fear are just sprinklers. And you’re standing there in the dark, clutching a fist full of rocks you’ve scooped from underneath your feet; you’re not wanting to get close enough to whatever it is that’s terrifying you to actually throw them, but at least you’re armed now, and if not dangerous, [...]
