January 8th. Cheers.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as art supplies, colored pencils, contraptions, January, Line, line of reasoning, Lucky, moment, nice things, night, pain, phonecam, reason, sketch pad, sketchpad, time, tomorrow, ukulele, veritable collection
Tonight, I was on the A train. Again. We really spend a lot of time together, me and that train. If it were a human, people would accuse us of being, like, together, I’m pretty sure. Lucky for both of us, it’s a train, and so there are no wild rumors flying.
I was sitting there, holding my sketchpad and colored pencils. Yes, tonight I went to a bar clutching a sketch pad and colored pencils. All. Night. Long. I could have brought a bag to put them in, I suppose, but when thinking about that, my line of reasoning happened like this: I could bring a bag, and then I wouldn’t have to hold my art supplies…But, shoot, then I’d have to hold a bag.
Discussion over.
Because for some illogical reason, I decided that carrying a bag–equipped with those very convenient and modern contraptions called handles! that you just effortlessly sling over your shoulder!–was much less annoying than just toting a sketchpad and colored pencils around like it was the world’s worst clutch.
Sometimes I make no sense.
Which is why I was on the A train, holding my art supplies and minding my own business, when I saw someone staring at me, walking slowly towards me. His pace picked up as he got closer, and, when our eyes met, he said, “You’re…the girl, aren’t you? With the ukulele?”
I smiled.
He smiled.
It was a moment packed with smiles, guys.
“I am,” I said.
“I saw you! Today! On the internet–can I get my picture with you?” he asked.
And I wasn’t kidding about the smiles, either–see?
“I’m Jessica,” I said, shaking his hand. Which is when I found out his name is Bernard. And Bernard is a wonderful human and what is it about the A train that has a veritable collection of wonderful humans riding it?
And then we talked about the video. How it happened. What it means. How much joy is found in those moments that Matt captured with his phonecam. And what happens next. He had some very nice things to say about that, Bernard did.
And now, if you will come this way with me, I will show you just a corner of my heart. Because, see, tomorrow is a very sad day for me. January 8th, I mean. And I had completely forgotten that it was coming up so fast–I mean, it was a ninja this year, all stealth until suddenly: BOO! I’M HERE! Which, maybe makes no sense, cause if a ninja ever said BOO! I’M HERE!–well, he’d probably be told he has one hour to clean out his cubicle and call a cab.
But, yes, as I said, January 8th is a sad day. And I was sitting in my bed tonight when I looked at the calendar, suddenly realizing that it was Sunday. Tomorrow. The 8th, come back again. Like tax day, only much more emotionally involved and, thankfully, does not leave me with a bill from Uncle Sam.
And then I realized that it is tomorrow that I am going into the studio and recording a song that will be released on itunes. That is, I must confess, a dreamy thing for me to do. And by dreamy I only mean: it’s the kind of thing that makes you want to pinch yourself to make sure that this is real. Too good to be true and all that.
And I remembered how my family and friends would tell me, back in the early days of January 8th being so acutely difficult, that there are very good things ahead. To hold on, don’t give up. But those kinds of cliches, they pale in comparison to the very real pain you feel in the moment. And the pain is so good at acting like it’s here to stay. Like it’s the final word. Like sadness is not just a feeling, but it has somehow replaced the very marrow in your bones; you keep digging and digging deeper inside, but you can’t escape it. Cause it’s your center now, this sadness, and it resides right smack in the middle of everything you know about life.
And the realization sounded like this: THEY WERE RIGHT. The people who told me that good things were still ahead, they were right. And tonight my brother texted me I told you so and I can tell you right now, that smartass response is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard.
And I don’t think it’s an accident that this is taking place on January 8th. I think it sounds a lot like redemption. The redemption that somehow everyone but me knew would come all along. But now? Oh, now I’m a believer.
Here’s to this January 8th being good, for a change.
hurrrrcut.
in photography
as bed, haircut, hurrrrcut, night, six hours
For those of you requesting pics of my haircut, here you go. And for those of you who have requested no pics of my haircut, here you go: And for those of you who have to get up in less than six hours, here you go… TO BED. good night.
sometimes.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Auto, brother, car, dark, deal, direction, Draft, fea, feeling, fist, girl, ground, hand, house, jenna, jonathan, lake, laugh, legs, monsters, night, right, rocks, rustling, something, sound, sprinklers, standing, tank top, thud, victim, weapons
Sometimes the monsters you fear are just sprinklers. And you’re standing there in the dark, clutching a fist full of rocks you’ve scooped from underneath your feet; you’re not wanting to get close enough to whatever it is that’s terrifying you to actually throw them, but at least you’re armed now, and if not dangerous, [...]
thoughts that I pretend to organize by way of bullets.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as Amish, amish man, bagel, buggy, double whammy, horse, horse and buggy, invisalign, jenna, night, Ollie, private conversation
I am going to write down some random things here, so bear with me. Today my sister and I saw a cute young Amish man. I write this down because this has never happened before. I am sure they exist–and I am now positive that they exist–but I had just never before actually witnessed it. [...]
when we talk and see what happens and find that it’s good.
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as awe, butter, chunks, drizzle, fine, macaroni, macaroni and cheese, meander, night, part, Shane
Tonight I made late night macaroni and cheese for some lovely friends. It was nice; lots of laughter and help surrounded me. The very last part of the recipe called for butter to be “sprinkled” on top of the rest of the ingredients. I wondered how to do that, exactly. Which is why my friends [...]
scary little hand
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, photography
as alien attack, angry alien, basement, brother jason, California, caption, good hands, hand, Jason, night, right, van down by the river
Terrifying, I know. How do you think I feel about it? Because see, it’s right outside my door. In my parents’ basement. Because, although I am not living in a van down by the river, thank God, I am living in my parents’ basement. Which is actually very nice. Minus the scary little hand. Actually, [...]
in song
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as ave maria, Christian, first verse, God, Joe, Maria, night, open mic night, organist, rehearse, song, time, words in my mouth, world
It’s amazing how the act of singing can take you to such polar opposites. Last night I performed at the World Cafe Live open mic night in Philly. I got home late, slept for about three hours, and then woke up in order to wash my hair and put on something presentable in order to [...]
