First page of the night archive.

January 8th. Cheers.

Posted by jessica on Jan 8, 2012 with 27 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
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Tonight, I was on the A train. Again. We really spend a lot of time together, me and that train. If it were a human, people would accuse us of being, like, together, I’m pretty sure. Lucky for both of us, it’s a train, and so there are no wild rumors flying.

I was sitting there, holding my sketchpad and colored pencils. Yes, tonight I went to a bar clutching a sketch pad and colored pencils. All. Night. Long. I could have brought a bag to put them in, I suppose, but when thinking about that, my line of reasoning happened like this: I could bring a bag, and then I wouldn’t have to hold my art supplies…But, shoot, then I’d have to hold a bag

Discussion over.

Because for some illogical reason, I decided that carrying a bag–equipped with those very convenient and modern contraptions called handles! that you just effortlessly sling over your shoulder!–was much less annoying than just toting a sketchpad and colored pencils around like it was the world’s worst clutch.

Sometimes I make no sense.

Which is why I was on the A train, holding my art supplies and minding my own business, when I saw someone staring at me, walking slowly towards me. His pace picked up as he got closer, and, when our eyes met, he said, “You’re…the girl, aren’t you? With the ukulele?”

I smiled.

He smiled.

It was a moment packed with smiles, guys.

“I am,” I said.

“I saw you! Today! On the internet–can I get my picture with you?” he asked.

And I wasn’t kidding about the smiles, either–see?

“I’m Jessica,” I said, shaking his hand. Which is when I found out his name is Bernard. And Bernard is a wonderful human and what is it about the A train that has a veritable collection of wonderful humans riding it?

And then we talked about the video. How it happened. What it means. How much joy is found in those moments that Matt captured with his phonecam. And what happens next. He had some very nice things to say about that, Bernard did.

And now, if you will come this way with me, I will show you just a corner of my heart. Because, see, tomorrow is a very sad day for me. January 8th, I mean. And I had completely forgotten that it was coming up so fast–I mean, it was a ninja this year, all stealth until suddenly: BOO! I’M HERE! Which, maybe makes no sense, cause if a ninja ever said BOO! I’M HERE!–well, he’d probably be told he has one hour to clean out his cubicle and call a cab.

But, yes, as I said, January 8th is a sad day. And I was sitting in my bed tonight when I looked at the calendar, suddenly realizing that it was Sunday. Tomorrow. The 8th, come back again. Like tax day, only much more emotionally involved and, thankfully, does not leave me with a bill from Uncle Sam.

And then I realized that it is tomorrow that I am going into the studio and recording a song that will be released on itunes. That is, I must confess, a dreamy thing for me to do. And by dreamy I only mean: it’s the kind of thing that makes you want to pinch yourself to make sure that this is real. Too good to be true and all that.

And I remembered how my family and friends would tell me, back in the early days of January 8th being so acutely difficult, that there are very good things ahead. To hold on, don’t give up. But those kinds of cliches, they pale in comparison to the very real pain you feel in the moment. And the pain is so good at acting like it’s here to stay. Like it’s the final word. Like sadness is not just a feeling, but it has somehow replaced the very marrow in your bones; you keep digging and digging deeper inside, but you can’t escape it. Cause it’s your center now, this sadness, and it resides right smack in the middle of everything you know about life.

And the realization sounded like this: THEY WERE RIGHT. The people who told me that good things were still ahead, they were right. And tonight my brother texted me I told you so and I can tell you right now, that smartass response is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard.

And I don’t think it’s an accident that this is taking place on January 8th. I think it sounds a lot like redemption. The redemption that somehow everyone but me knew would come all along. But now? Oh, now I’m a believer.

Here’s to this January 8th being good, for a change.

too.

Posted by jessica on Jul 7, 2011 with 12 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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I’m writing from a cab and the night air hitting my face through the open windows feels just about perfect.

I don’t normally take cabs, but see, it’s late. I’m tired. Like, I got-three-or-so-hours-of-sleep-last-night-tired. And the A train didn’t seem to be trying to come anytime soon. I found the two men in orange vests dusting off the subway rails–or whatever the heck it was they were doing down there–to be particularly disheartening, as one could only determine by watching them literally standing on the tracks that, no, the train was not anywhere close.

So now I’m speeding on some kind of big road in the general direction of my apartment. Well, my friends’ apartment. It’s not really mine at all.

But anyway.

I already mentioned the air, with good reason, for it really did feel noteworthy tonight. Past tense now, because I am inside, no longer writing from the back of a yellow cab.

But I didn’t mention this yet. A new friend confided in me tonight. We don’t know each other well, having really only talked once or twice, but we walked out of class together this evening, and, since I am generally starving after taking ballet and then capoeira, we stopped for some pizza. Barbecue chicken pizza. Because that’s all I ever want. But, I was saying–we talked for a while, and finally the the conversation looked like this:

Me: “I’m not trying to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now. Things have been real hard for me lately, and so I am being single. On purpose.”

We talked about that, and so I asked him what his thoughts are on the whole subject of wanting to be single or wanting to not be single.

Him: “Yeah, I am not looking for a relationship now, either…I mean, I had told myself four years and it’s only been three now…”

He drifted off, obviously having not quite given me the full context. So I waited. He took a deep breath and looked at me as he quietly continued with, “I used to be married.”

So many things happened inside as I heard him say these words.
Me too.
I get it.
You have no idea who you’re talking to.

But I listened a little more, letting him talk. And then I knew I could tell him. See, being a part of the capoeira group here in NYC has been wonderful for many different reasons, but one of them is that, here? I’m just Cisne. The dancer who can kick her face. The girl who catches on quick and has vowed to do handstands or else. She’s single. She has dreams, else why would she have moved here? Her past is only what she’s told people, and she’s told 98% of the people she trains with hardly anything at all.

And that’s been really kind of nice for me.

But I decided to tell this guy a little about Jess.

Deep breath.

“I used to be married, too,” I said.

Too.

What a word. So tiny, yet can make all the difference in the world for those of us who would feel alone, had somebody not told us something and followed it with too.

“Nobody else in the group knows,” he told me.

“Yeah,” I said. “Hardly anyone else know that about me, either.”

And then we talked about our respective relationships. Why they ended. How we are now. And well, it was a good time to be honest, I guess. Not that I am not honest other times–but I am not quite as transparent, I guess.

But it was good this evening.

It felt like a significant connection.

That usually happens when someone throws the word too in your direction; it’s kind of an anchor like that, I guess.

hurrrrcut.

Posted by jessica on Jan 14, 2011 with 8 Comments
in photography
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For those of you requesting pics of my haircut, here you go. And for those of you who have requested no pics of my haircut, here you go: And for those of you who have to get up in less than six hours, here you go… TO BED. good night.

sometimes.

Posted by jessica on Aug 3, 2010 with 4 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Sometimes the monsters you fear are just sprinklers. And you’re standing there in the dark, clutching a fist full of rocks you’ve scooped from underneath your feet; you’re not wanting to get close enough to whatever it is that’s terrifying you to actually throw them, but at least you’re armed now, and if not dangerous, [...]

thoughts that I pretend to organize by way of bullets.

Posted by jessica on Jul 16, 2010 with 20 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
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I am going to write down some random things here, so bear with me. Today my sister and I saw a cute young Amish man. I write this down because this has never happened before. I am sure they exist–and I am now positive that they exist–but I had just never before actually witnessed it. [...]

when we talk and see what happens and find that it’s good.

Posted by jessica on Jul 7, 2010 with 2 Comments
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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Tonight I made late night macaroni and cheese for some lovely friends. It was nice; lots of laughter and help surrounded me. The very last part of the recipe called for butter to be “sprinkled” on top of the rest of the ingredients. I wondered how to do that, exactly. Which is why my friends [...]

thursday night cliffs notes.

Posted by jessica on Feb 26, 2010 with 42 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Performance
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Highlights of the evening, in no particular order. So, I’m in a band now. First time ever. We came to the decision tonight, but not without having That Conversation. You know, somebody mentions how you’ve been spending a lot of time playing music together lately. Someone else wonders aloud what that means. Finally, one of [...]

scary little hand

Posted by jessica on Jan 28, 2010 with 13 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, photography
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Terrifying, I know. How do you think I feel about it? Because see, it’s right outside my door. In my parents’ basement. Because, although I am not living in a van down by the river, thank God, I am living in my parents’ basement. Which is actually very nice. Minus the scary little hand. Actually, [...]

in song

Posted by jessica on Jan 5, 2010 with 6 Comments
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
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It’s amazing how the act of singing can take you to such polar opposites. Last night I performed at the World Cafe Live open mic night in Philly. I got home late, slept for about three hours, and then woke up in order to wash my hair and put on something presentable in order to [...]

in a dirty little manger

Posted by jessica on Dec 14, 2009 with 8 Comments
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. –Washington Irving I read that and it catches my heart. And everything–my skin, my lips, the back of my neck–is [...]