I wonder.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as beautiful day, brilliance, Cassiopeia, income ratio, lemons, many things, Orion, Pumpkins, sky, taurus
So many things.
Lame things, like why my skin is so dang dry lately.
Heartrending things, like what God’s plan is for me.
The details, I mean.
How, exactly, I am going to earn the money I need to pay my bills.
Not that I worry about this.
I mean, maybe I should, but I don’t.
It’s strange, in terms of bills to income ratio, I’ve been doing better barely making anything than when I was making a whole ton of money.
And I don’t think that’s going to suddenly change.
I mean, it’s not like that’s an accident.
But Chicago closes in two weeks and enough people have been asking me what’s next for me to begin wondering it myself.
Which is when I become this kind of hovering question when God and I talk.
“Look at this beautiful day I made,” He says.
Or at least, I see the trees brightly lit with leaves the color of pumpkins and lemons; the sky filled with stories that we refer to as Orion and Taurus and Cassiopeia, and that seems to be a general message.
And sometimes it’s so beautiful that it stops my question.
It lingers unasked because I already know the answer.
Well, enough of the answer, anyway.
Because how can one look at such brilliance and beauty and ease of nature without realizing that your own life is a part of the glory, too?
So, then, sure.
I guess that’s what’s next.
Not that looking at leaves and stars pay the bills around here, exactly.
But, I mean, all of that reminds me of how it’s gonna be okay.
It already is okay, and that’s not suddenly gonna stop.
Even when it felt like it did stop, it didn’t.
Not really.
The okayness came back.
Maybe even deeper than before.
to love another person.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as face of god, fifteen minutes, five minutes, god my friend, intimacy, Jess, les miz, motive, motives, Orion
“Sex and God,” my friend told me the other day. “If you think about it, every moving scenario is either about sex or God.”
“But what about a story about a baby?” I asked.
“People had to have sex to have that baby,” he answered. “And it’s a baby…so it was relatively recent.”
“Everything we do comes down to intimacy,” another friend told me. “Our desire for it–it’s the ultimate motive that drives us, I think.”
“NO,” I argued, “There’s got to be other motives…”
“Even the way you walk, Jess, is an invitation.”
But then I think about all the times I trip and I wonder just where it is I am inviting people to go. Wherever it is, hopefully it provides a soft landing.
But anyway, being in a world that longs for intimacy. The connections we form with others–it’s all powerful, dangerous, wonderful stuff. It’s weighty. And it’s always weighty, true–but now, being single, it feels even heavier. Not in a bad way, necessarily–it’s just like, Super Important. The people to whom I grow close, I mean.
And it’s on my mind tonight, I guess. I love the line from Les Miz that says, To love another person is to see the face of God. I’d like to remember that. I’d like to love in such a way that God shows up. In all the interactions I have with others. That seems lofty. Sounds presumptuous. But is maybe possible for five minutes a day. And then maybe, just maybe, if I master loving people for five minutes a day, I can work on ten.
And who knows, maybe I’ll be walking around, loving people for a whole fifteen minutes a day by the time Orion stops standing over me in the sky and the May flowers look up to see where he’s gone.
I mean, maybe.
I’m not staying (and you don’t have to stay).
in MP3, Thoughts and Feelings
as apartment, apartment in new york, brunch, couches, decision, encouragement, fight, foxes, healing scabs, home, kind, legacies, Orion, person, pop, sneaky suspicion, song, vegetables
This time next week, I will be settled into an apartment in New York City. Well, maybe the word settled is rather optimistic. I am not exactly sure how I will feel, but I will at least be there. The thing is, I’ve never wanted to move to the city alone. I was never the [...]
in the sky is a belt made of stars.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as belt, Detroit, dispensation, everything, geneticist, Heck, home, Japan, Jurassic Park, kind, lilly pads, little lilly, Orion, sky one, something, time
It’s amazing how resilient we can be. How quickly the worst can become normal. And even though there’s a part of you that blinks furiously at the sudden change of light, still tries to adjust and see into the darkness while at the same time hating it all, eventually, you do. You start to see. [...]
