First page of the own music archive.

life is art is life is art is life is art is life.

Posted by jessica on May 21, 2011 with 4 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
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I don’t really understand it. I am no prophet; and it would seem that a soothsayer should, by very definition, soothe by whatever it is they say. And yet, this is not particularly soothing, I think. Though it sure is, well, something. Let me explain.

I unearthed something today. It’s a recording of a show I played of my own music in Toronto, about two years ago. Listening to it is strange. It’s a little like listening to a seance–like contacting the dead, or something. I don’t mean to sound morbid, I really don’t. It’s just that the girl who is singing–she’s me, but she’s not me. I want to gather her up close, tell her to get ready for the storm, that I’ve seen her a little down the road and the flowers really do bloom again. Even the honeysuckle grows in the most wild places, you see, I’d tell her. I’d also tell her to open up her own bank account and start putting her paychecks away there, but that’s not nearly so poetic, now, is it?

But I guess God knew what he was doing. I guess we never really do know what sort of storm we are readying for; we could guess at it, but why spend now guessing at the future? We might as well live. Live well today, and trust that it will spill into tomorrow, creating something good there, just like it does here.

But, I wrote this song. I am not totally sure why. What business does a happy girl have in writing this? I just remember playing it for my friend Ian in Toronto and hearing him tell me that it is haunting and sad, that it’s his favorite of mine, thus far. But, looking back, there is a powerful amount of foreshadow in these lyrics. Proof that life is art is life is art is life.

What if the best I Could do wasn’t good enough for you; if it turned out my worth was a lot like the surf that goes out with the tide and you actually lied when you said that I was the best that you’d had

What if I wasn’t so precariously placed on your shape-shifting thoughts and your mind that’s two-faced? What if I laughed at your critical glance and I just rolled my eyes when you said I deserve to be sad?

What if I knew who I was without you, if I saw just a glimpse of the carefree girl I’m meant to be? If I looked in the mirror without any shame, if I moved with such freedom–would I be insane to dream of  a life more than this, you and me, and just a meaningless kiss?

Remember when you wrapped me up tight with your arms; you said that you’d keep me so safe from all harm; you told me I’d hide if I let you inside, that I’d be the best girl, if I could keep making you glad

How can you look in my eyes and continue to miss me completely? How can you think I’ll believe all the lies if you only say them sweetly? Well, it’s not enough for me and you’re just too much, you see

What if I knew who I was without you, if I saw just a glimpse of the carefree girl I’m meant to be? If I looked in the mirror without any shame, if I moved with such freedom–would I be insane to dream of  a life more than this, you and me, and just a meaningless kiss?

The good news is? I know now. Who I am without him, I mean. And I am me. Still me. And it suits me perfectly.

playing tokyo

Posted by jessica on Aug 29, 2009 with No Comments
in Performance, photography
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I think I drank my weight in water today.

Two shows and a gig makes for one very tired and thirsty individual, I have realized.
Add to that the emotional aspect of being so far from home and communication with loved ones feeling difficult at best, I think tired might be an understatement.
But, I am grateful to be doing what I am doing; being here in Japan, playing the show, and then getting to play my own music as well.
It’s too much.
Too big.
Who would have thought?
And just look at that pretty piano; I loved every minute with it.
And I wish you could really see the size of the room from this pic, but you can’t.
I guess the max is supposed to be about 40 people for the place, but I would say there was closer to 60 of us all mashed together, trying not to sweat.
Out of my set, I played one brand new song–the one I wrote here, last week–though I always hesitate to play a brand new song that has yet to be tested before an audience. I like to run them by someone first–someone safe, like Drew or a friend. But I decided to throw caution to the wind, practice this week like crazy, and just do it, like Nike says.
After all, the song is about being in Japan, so what better place to play it than when I am actually in Japan?

It was really really fun. I love playing and singing for people; it truly gives me life and I am blessed that people listen.
The Japanese people were asking for signatures and were taking pictures with me afterwards, too, which I thought was funny. But not nearly as funny as when one of the guys said, Kristine, Kristine! Picture???
I didn’t even bother to correct him, either. I just took the picture with a bit bigger of a smile than usual.
Another thing that continues to blow me away is the amount of support that our cast shows every time we play. Seriously, they keep coming out. And it’s not lost on me. Today was a two show day, the room was small and hot, and all of us were hungry. And yet, they listened and cheered and continue to tell me that they love it.
They are truly amazing.
And now to the business of going to bed.
And though it will not make me any money, per se, I think I am going to like this business a lot.