First page of the P.O archive.

apparently santa’s elves make wheel chairs too

Posted by jessica on Nov 30, 2009 with 5 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones
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It’s always strange when somebody steps out of character for a moment. As a kid, when I overheard my mom say she was really P.O.‘d about something, it was like I’d heard an angel take God’s name in vain, it was so shocking.

Because see, I knew what the ‘P’ in ‘P.O.‘d‘ stood for.
And just today, Santa Claus said something kind of strange.
Yeah, that’s right, Santa Claus. Red furry suit. Long white beard. Jolly expression. Only it’s odd when all of the sudden he drops that famously jolly expression in order to ask your sister, who is recently wheel-chair bound due to knee surgery from which she is recuperating, if her condition is permanent.
And yes, all of the Christmas music came to a screeching halt because that’s a weird question anyway. Even if you aren’t Santa. I mean, what if it was a permanent condition? What if she was our own version of Tiny Tim, doomed to forever hobble around on a leg that barely works? Or rather, be pushed by people like me who erroneously presume that when a bump is in the horizon, the best course of action is to push the wheelchair harder, making her almost fall out and brace her body against doing just that with nothing other than her bad leg?! And is it a good idea to bring it up in the middle of the mall? So what then? My sister bursts out in tears because she was once again reminded of her poor and unfortunate state by freaking Santa Claus, of all people?!

Luckily, though, her condition is not permanent.
And she let Santa know.
And then he continued in a most un-jolly voice, red hat pulled low over his brow, Well, you really should have a lighter chair than that for travel.
Ummmmm, okay.
Thanks?
I mean, I knew Santa was a lot of things. Able to be in all places at once on Christmas Eve. Able to shimmy down chimneys and other such impossible looking entrances. Able to manage a whole team of mythical creatures, one with a particularly bulbous and shiny red nose. But a wheel chair aficionado?
Honestly, I kind of like him better when he sticks to asking me what I want for Christmas.

oh the food

Posted by jessica on Aug 15, 2009 with No Comments
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
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While doing a publicity event today, I was fed a boxed lunch.

Japanese-style.
As in, a whole bunch of sushi that came in a very big box.
Once again, I tried valiantly to like it, and although this time it wasn’t slathered in mayonnaise or secretly hiding a horrible surprise tucked deep inside known as wasabi, it still tasted like a little dead fish that crawled out of the ocean into my mouth.
And unfortunately, there was no soy sauce to drown my sorrows in either.
And here’s the thing: yes, I am in a foreign and evocative country and yes, I want to experience everything this country has to offer; but when that includes tastes that make me want to stop chewing and start spitting, then yes, I will go elsewhere. Because I am in a show that involves some energy and hey, a girl’s gotta eat. So how terrible would it be if I confessed that I went to KFC today after the whole boxed lunch affair? And how awful would it be if I told you just how much I enjoyed that crispy chicken sandwich that was blessedly devoid of mayonnaise or wasabi or anything that had recently had a P.O. box in the Pacific Ocean?
Because I did.
And another thing, sometimes it’s better just not to ask.
We were all feasting on some delicious bread at dinner tonight. The bread was black, but not burnt. It was a little toasty, but soft in the middle. I just assumed that it was made from olives or something and though I don’t like olives in the least, I decided to just go with it because like I said, the bread was smashingly good.
So when my friend asked the waiter why the bread was black and he methodically told us squid ink?
I just kept chewing.
That makes up for KFC in a moment of weakness today, right?