the next best thing to dancing on the street is changing on the street.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as 5th avenue, aisles, dressing rooms, five minutes, leggings, parenthetical statement, salvation army, short dress, sidewalk, wardrobe
Remember when winter missed its cue, so–not wanting the stage to just be empty–spring jumped on and started to dance?
That happened today, in fact.
And what a dance it did.
It was so very beguiling, actually, that I left my apartment with bare legs underneath my dress. Which was a good idea for about five minutes. Then, I realized it was kind of still too cold for that kind of nonsense. Luckily, I had grabbed a pair of leggings and shoved them in my bag, anticipating this kind of wardrobe regret.
I was on my way to meet with a lawyer.
(yes, I am suing SO MANY PEOPLE; in fact, I stopped at McDonald’s on the way and intentionally burnt my tongue on their coffee. Cause I am smart and crafty. I am also totally joking. I am not suing a soul, promise; it’s music stuff. I am suing music. For being so awesome. I am still kidding. And still in this parenthetical statement. Until now)
But I was meeting with a lawyer, and I didn’t want to show up looking stupid in my short dress without anything on my legs. Plus: I was cold. So, there I was on 8th Ave, having just come up from the subway, and looking for a place to quickly put my leggings on under my dress.
I didn’t find anything that screamed, COME CHANGE HERE! NOBODY WILL SEE!, so I just decided to slip into those pants as fast as I could on the sidewalk. I am used to such things–quick changes and trying clothes on in the aisles of the Salvation Army, since it has no dressing rooms.
I get it done so fast. Nobody sees a thing. Nobody sees anything inappropriate, anyway. They might see a person putting on pants, but beyond that, it was an innocuous moment that ended with me much warmer and my legs much happier.
I need to get to 5th Avenue, so I ask the first guy I see which direction that is.
“Were you just…changing?” he asks, completely side-stepping my question.
“Uh…yeah, I guess I was,” I answer.
“Cause I just said to myself, ‘There’s a beautiful woman. Changing. On 8th Avenue,” he says, laughing a little.
“Um, thanks for calling me beautiful, and my legs were cold, and I didn’t really change, per se, just added a layer–but do you know which way 5th Avenue is?” I say, ending in my initial question, cause I still don’t know.
“Yeah, I’ll walk you in that direction,” he says, crossing the street with me and pointing me towards 5th Avenue.
He hesitates before he leaves, so I stop, too. “Look,” he says, “I gotta do this–” and he hands me his card. “I’m a fan of you now and I’d really like to have coffee sometime. Call me?”
I laugh as I walk towards 5th Avenue. I realize that I do really strange things sometimes, like (sort of ) change on 8th avenue. Someday I will be closer to normal, I promise. Oh, who am I kidding, no I won’t. Probably not ever.
Because it doesn’t exist.
sliding doors, I guess.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as beauty, cannot, Darby, doozy, drew, friend, God, hornbuckle, Jason, Jess, life, ligh, Mandy, Mandy Hornbuckle, novel idea, Ollie, parenthetical statement, person
So my friend Mandy asked me a question in the comments section that I thought about answering in the comments section. I know, novel idea. But then I didn’t want any of your computers to blow up because I had surpassed the amount of words allowed in one comment box. And it’s a doozy of [...]
thoughts from central park.
in photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as absolutes, attempt, central park, choice, commentator, glimpse, kind, lipstick, needy girl, parenthetical statement, phone, psyche, reason, ship, ship sails, shore, street, surmise, two states, way
What does it mean to surrender? To allow grace to do its work? I am not quite sure, but I know part of the reason I am here in New York is to find out.
I think that, in an attempt to not be that needy girl who needs! hugs! and attention!, I can easily find myself on the side of the street that says, I AM FINE AND I DON’T NEED YOU. AT ALL. But that is not altogether true, either. I believe that I exist somewhere between those two absolutes. I need you; I am okay; somehow those two states of being are true. And I think when I let go of others, God sees fit to meet my needs through others. I am surprised by this; I will probably still be surprised by this when I am very old and full of days and no longer bothering with lipstick or uncomfortable underwear. Just like now, I will be letting go and I will be loved. Simultaneously. Maybe even symbiotically.
I used to be so afraid that drew would leave me. Not by his choice, though; honestly, I never even entertained that as a possibility. I was afraid he would die. And, in terms of how it effects my psyche, what happened was more damaging than sustaining a death. And now I think I can honestly stand here at this shore and wave as his ship sails on. Not even in a superior, life is so much better without you kind of way (for what is better? It is; it just is. As of now, I will never be given a glimpse into ‘what would have been.’ I can surmise what could have been, and be grateful that it is not that bad, but it is best for me to just live here. In reality. No should have or would have about it. See? Isn’t this nice? Yes, I am starting to think so, too. Oh my gosh, it’s time to end this parenthetical statement; it’s already pretty out of control!). Rather, he chose to go and I am making peace with this. His choice, and the way he executed it, was cruel, and I acknowledge that. Honestly, he does, too. But it’s not my job to constantly play commentator to his choices, either past or present; my job is to grieve the loss, forgive, and look around at The Present and decide which bricks are the ones with which I will continue to build my house.
And honestly? Some of these bricks are hilarious. Some beautiful. Some I pass over, because, even though I am not always sure about what I want, I know a little more about what I don’t want. And that’s a good feeling.
And I am trying to keep my eyes wide open now. There is so much to see, so much to feel, so much to learn. There is so much to smile about. Like this little phone in the subway. Bright yellow.
Like you can use it to call Springtime herself.
Like you’re never so far underground that you can’t be heard.
Like why someone decided that this phone should be yellow, I’ll never know, but if I ever meet him, I’d give him a kiss.
Or at least a cookie. Yes, I think I’d give him a cookie instead of a kiss. Less chance of contracting something that way, you know.