after the storm.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as basis, conniption, distance, fear, home, kind, lot, lunch, mess, miracle, peace in my heart, person, practical reason, sake, storm, truth, walking dead, zombie, zombie apocalypse
“Do you guys still, like, talk?”
That seems to be the predominant question when it comes to me and The Guy I Used To See A Lot.
And honestly, we don’t talk on a regular basis. Though, I can say in truth that it’s not an angry distance. It’s more like a well-why-would-we-talk-really? kind of distance. There is a lot of peace in my heart concerning the whole mess. In fact, I would say that in terms of us, the peace now outweighs the mess.
And that’s a freaking miracle.
I am grateful to be here. People tried to describe this place to me, back before I could see it for myself. And if felt somewhat like listening to someone tell you about their dream. It didn’t make much sense. You were never gonna be there, yourself. And then your mind starts to wander towards what’s for lunch, before making yourself try to listen to this dream that isn’t. even. real, just for the sake of your friend who is so passionately describing it.
But lookit! Turns out to be a real place, after all. I’m okay without him. I’m better than okay. I’m not the walking dead and the zombie apocalypse wouldn’t just feel like I’d finally come home, believe it or not.
But, back to the question: do we talk?
Sometimes. I mean, rarely, and always for some practical reason, but when we do, it’s okay.
And I’m grateful for this, too. I never wanted to be that girl who cannot even hear the name of the person who has hurt her so badly, for fear that she’ll have a conniption. And I’m not saying that a conniption isn’t necessarily warranted, but I am saying that I don’t want anyone to have that much power over me. Especially when it’s a person who does not actually want to take care of my heart.
But, I have to say that it did my heart a little good to have this conversation with him recently:
D: “I saw [a friend of ours] the other day.
J: “Oh yeah? How was that?”
D: “Good. He speaks of you very…well, very highly.”
J: “What’d he say?”
D: “He was trying to describe you to someone who’s never met you. So he went on and on–about how you look, how you dance, how you act and sing, how you’re so sweet, how you’ve made an album…I mean, he really just kept on going on and on about how amazing you are, Jess.”
J: “That must have made you feel great.”
D: “Yeah. I finally said that I’m the idiot who messed all that up.”
J: “Well, you are.”
And then we hung up the phone and I went on with my day and I felt peace and even if I didn’t ever hear that, I’d still have felt peace, because it doesn’t hinge on what he thinks of me.
Still, it wasn’t a bad thing to hear, I guess.
hardy har har.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as bursts of laughter, god questions, har, knee slapper, peace in my heart, prayer, study, talking about prayer, therapist, Voice
When I talk to my therapist, I often preface something I am about to say with, This probably sounds crazy…”
And then I say whatever it is I am saying.
And then she promptly disagrees with me.
In fact, she has not told me that I am crazy once.
Not even when I told her that I sometimes joke about what’s happened. You know, the whole my-husband-had-an-affair-and-that’s-just-some-of-the-story.
What, you’re not laughing? Well, okay. Maybe when I put it like that, it’s not exactly a knee slapper, but sometimes things just strike me as hilarious.
Like tonight, at a bible study.
We were talking about prayer and how we listen for God to answer some of our questions. And I was trying to make the point that sometimes, when it’s a really important decision, I don’t just listen for that often talked about still small voice. I also look for peace in my heart and the counsel of people I trust and you know, if it’s a door that is opening and is indisputably good. I mean, I don’t really just ask God really high stakes questions and wait for a yes or no and then run blindly on that.
But what I said was this:
I don’t just ask God questions and wait for an answer. Like…I never asked God who I should marry…
And then what I said dawned on me, probably right after it dawned on everybody else. And I remembered who I actually had married and what a disaster that turned out to be. So I quickly tagged on:
…But maybe I should have.
And all of us burst out laughing, every one of us in that room. I think someone even managed to say that they loved me, in between bursts of laughter, of course.
I felt myself get warm all over and I was good and embarrassed and for once, I was kind of speechless for a good minute or two. And afterwards, my friend Christian and I were talking about it and laughing again. That was just too good, Jess, he said. Of all the examples you could have brought up…!!!
And I know, I know. Ridiculous.
But also? Hilarious.
