little thoughts and stuff.
in Uncategorized
as aspects of life, beach, beautiful thing, concert, floppy hat, frog, going to the beach, highlight, hole in the middle, home, hornet sting, jet setter, last hurrah, lums pond state park, pillow, Pond, rock, time, transcendent, ukelele
I came home tonight to find a small figurine of a frog doing an upward dog on a rock that says PEACE wrapped delicately and sitting on my pillow.
My sister-in-law Darby knows me, and it’s a beautiful thing to be known.
Well, to be known and loved, I should say. That is a startlingly beautiful thing, indeed.
Tonight, The Paper Janes played an outdoor concert at Lums Pond State Park and, mid-song, I was struck with gratitude. That I get to sing. That people listen. That I am not so busy surviving as to have no time for the transcendent aspects of life. That I can be a part of this thing called music. I love it and I’m grateful and singing makes me feel alive.
Singing reminds me that I’m glad I’m alive.
“I’m loving my life lately,” I told my friend while sitting across from him during dinner tonight.
It’s certainly not perfect. And there are some situations I get into that highlight my imperfections, well, perfectly. But I guess I’m happily and eagerly alive. And being alive is messy. We produce lovely things and we produce waste. You can’t really have one without the other, I guess.
And tomorrow I’m going to the beach in New York with some friends. They insist it’s time I go. So, okay. I love to
be near water and I love to let the ocean encourage me, which is the general effect it has on my soul. It also makes my skin softer, so score.
And what better week to go to a Long Island beach than shark week?
I’m bringing my ukelele. And a large floppy hat. I think I’m pretty set.
Except I have a few questions. Okay, I have a LOT of questions, but I’ll end with just two:
–somebody who flies all the time is called a jet-setter; what are you called when you find yourself on a bus more
often than not?
And
–when does a hornet sting expire? It’s been since Friday night and this thing is still itchy and swollen with what looks to be a hole in the middle of it. I’m hoping today was it’s last hurrah. I’d rather not take it to the beach with me, you know?
quotes you will never see crocheted on a pillow.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as beautiful book, bone, dance of death, dark dance, don t cry, everything, freedom, grain of wheat, life, melody beattie, moment, perfect life, perfect moment, person, pillow, righteously, stream, sun, visible energy, Yesterday
I have been reading this beautiful book, Codependent No More (Melody Beattie). It sounds rather dry and textbook, I know, but let me assure you, it is not. It is life-giving; it is marrow to my bone. Yesterday, I read it down by my stream, with the sun streaming righteously upon my shoulders and my legs all tucked underneath me. It felt like a perfect moment, actually. I believe in those, you know. Again, I mean. I believe in those again. And it’s such a wonderful thing to believe.
But, anyway.
There are some quotes from this book that I want to jot down here. And no, they will probably not ever make it to a pillow, but that’s okay. Not everything that is beautiful and alive is pretty, if that makes any sense. So, here goes:
“Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between the partners. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.”
And that’s okay. No, it really is. I am at peace with this fact. It doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt like hell at one point. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t cry and miss…something…even now. But the fact that some relationships die is not just a part of life, it can even be a good part of life. There will be new things that grow out of that death. There already are. Should I quote that grain of wheat Jesus talked about? The one that, unless it falls to the ground and dies, will remain alone? Well, I just did. But, some relationships die. And this is okay.
“Detachment is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.”
This is a tough one to get, I think. But I am learning that love lets a person live and be and, well, in a very real sense, lets them go. Love is not a cage in which you have placed all your favorite people and subsequently cast them in the play called YOUR PERFECT LIFE. Nope, deciding to love someone is a dangerous, heartbreaking journey. It’s wild; it’s good. It’s better and worse than any of us can ever imagine. There is no script. Certainly not one for you to feed to others. And I have this much control: about 120 lbs worth; about five feet and eight inches worth; about the size of a beating heart and a brain that forgets directions worth–that’s how much control I have. And that’s all the control I need. And therein lies the freedom that I want.
“We’re so careful to see that no one gets hurt. No one, that is, but ourselves.”
I don’t need to take care of other people. I don’t need to rescue other people. I did this for a long time. I did this with the guy I was with. And during our dance of death, I was so afraid he’d make even worse decisions, should I leave him. The crazy thing is that he had made just about some of the worst decisions that were available to him already. With me “by his side.” So, no. I cannot take care of anyone. Certainly not any better than God can. And by that, I mean actually a whole heck of a lot worse.
“Live and let live.”
Self-explanatory, I think. More of the same. Take care of me. Let the adults around me take care of them. Hello, freedom, you’re looking lovely today.
“When I repress my emotions, my stomach keeps score…” -John Powell
Um, yes. Haven’t we all felt this? Our bodies having visceral reactions to whatever it is we’re feeling? Our bodies get it, I guess. And those feelings go somewhere. Anyway, I am trying to let myself feel and not judge, and then move on.
Bam.
I will no longer judge the frogs.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as boiling pot, dangerous temperatures, fact, frog, love, nick of time, pillow, recording music, Shane, something, sweeter sound
Shane is drumming. Pat is engineering. I am sitting on a pillow. And collectively? We are recording music. Oh man, I’m working hard; I’ll let you know how the pillow sounds with these particular microphones. On to something else now. Like frogs. Particularly, how they get boiled alive sometimes, not even realizing that the water [...]
blue note
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as beautiful sound, Canada, chord, drew, grand mystery, guitar, mystery of life, neck, neck pillow, note, pillow, sentimental/inspiration, smarty pants, something, thoughts/life
Sometimes, when the boys are all home too, I take my guitar and steal away to a nearby stairwell. I make sure to go armed with my airplane neck pillow to sit on because that floor gets harder with every minute that ticks by and always, I make sure to bring something on which I [...]
