because I have to.
in I Lift My Eyes Up
as amazing discoveries, car, darn, DID, experience, glove compartment, growing pains, hand, handstand, handstands, human spirit, miracle, news, oh shoot, place, resilience, shoot, Yesterday, yoga teacher
Yesterday I went to open up my glove compartment in my little ghettofabulous car and the whole thing just fell out. Like, onto the floor. I laughed. And then? I fixed it. Well, I stuck it back in place, I mean. Around these parts, we call that fixed.
Yesterday I had to print some music and the printer was jammed. It was annoying. But then I fixed it. And I am now five sheets of music richer for it.
Today I did a handstand. I was spotted, but still. I DID IT. And you know why it happened? Because the yoga teacher asked if anyone in the room had any handstand experience. And not a soul raised their hand. Then she went right over to me and said I was going to demonstrate. News to me. She spotted me and then was all, “See class, as she goes up to her handstand…” And proceeded to wait for me to do just that. So I was like, OH SHOOT. And then I did it. And acted like it weren’t no thing at all. But secretly, it was a thing. Like, a brand new thing.
My point is that it’s amazing what we can do when we have to.
Like when I fixed my glove compartment because I wanted to be able to close the darn thing.
Like when I fixed the printer because I needed to print some music.
Like when I did a handstand because my teacher used me to demonstrate and the whole class was watching.
Like when I kept living when all I wanted to do was fall asleep forever.
I think that annoying or painful or even crushing situations can result in amazing discoveries within ourselves. I think that the human spirit has a resilience that is a miracle akin to the lame walking and the blind seeing. I think life is very messy but we clean up good and then we go on to do handstands and run many more miles than we ever thought we could and if we had gone to sleep forever we would have missed all that and that’s no good at all and even the mess is worth being alive for, if you think about it.
I think we grow and grow and grow.
And then we grow some more.
And growing pains are no joke, but man, it’s worth it (her brain tells her heart over and over again).
supermoon.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as baby, cape, earth, glow, hard time, kind, life, love, marriage, moon, music, perigee, place, sad today, spoiler, time, today
First things first: the moon. It’s a perigee. Or a supermoon. And though, this makes it sound like the moon should be wearing a cape, it actually just means that the moon is closer to the earth right now than it will be for maybe another twenty or so years.
I went on a walk and watched the moon. For the first time maybe ever, the moon did not look sad. I felt like this was significant. Maybe because tonight the moon was the one thinking that I looked sad. Although, I don’t glow like the moon does; perhaps he couldn’t see me so well. I like to think that he can, though; I like to think we’re friends.
I played music at a women’s meeting at my church tonight. I am not exactly sure why, but ever since my life started acting a little funny, I have been scared of groups of women. I love them individually. En masse, though, I tend to stay away. And then there was the fact that I was sad today. I didn’t feel like going to church so much, and I sure didn’t feel like going to a church full of women. Which means that being there was probably the very best place for me. And it’s true. Singing was good; it made me cry, but that’s okay. Afterward, I was very emotional. Embarrassingly so. Someone would talk to me, and I would start to cry. Finally, I just explained that I will cry no matter what right now–so please, just go ahead and talk.
A friend told me that she has felt guilty. She went through a hard time in her marriage around the same time that mine was ending (SPOILER ALERT! my marriage ended. sorry, I am laughing about writing that. I just have always wanted to write spoiler alert! and I thought wow, I finally can. hahahaha…ha? yes, ha). She said that it doesn’t seem fair that she has a husband who was willing to make changes and say he’s so sorry and cared enough about her to, well, love her, when I did not. I told her to please not feel guilty. That it makes me happy that they are well and together. And that, to be honest, it is better that I am not with someone who did not (could not?) love me.
And this is true.
And then somebody hugged me for a while. She asked if she could. I cried, of course. I realized that, as she was hugging me, this kind of thing does not happen very much for me. I remember hearing about how some babies who do not get any kind of affection will simply die from lack of contact with another person. I don’t want to be the adult equivalent of a baby who dies from lack of affection. So I hugged her. And it was good. She grabbed my hands, touched my head, looked in my eyes. I was alive and connected. I was not a baby who was going to die from lack of affection. I was connected.
I was the supermoon and she was the earth and I was close to her.
the lady of shalott.
in Funny Stuff, MP3, Thoughts and Feelings
as aardvaark, arthurian legend, body, camelot lancelot, cur, elaine, face, ivory, ivory tower, joust, lady of shalott, lonely place, love, place, rapunzel, sentence, something, Tennyson, time, way, weaver
*if all you want to do is listen to a song, go on right ahead and scroll down to the bottom of this page. You’ll find it there and I won’t even be mad that you didn’t read one blasted thing about either of the ladies I speak about here. Promise I remember laying in [...]
On helping the philosophers.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as 3am, american philosophical association, APA, conference, dear friend, dodgy, friend lindsay, good word, kalamazoo, last train, life, moment, month old baby, place, placing, six month old baby, spot, tiny moment, train, train to boston
My life, I love it. It’s all over the place, but mostly, it’s in my heart. And I do believe that is a grand spot from which to live. However, locationally, it’s in Boston right now. My dear friend Lindsay is my boss this week. Best boss ever. She works for the American philosophical association [...]
drunkard’s prayer tonight.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as blonde hair, Drunkard, girl, haircuts, happiness, jesus loves, kind, kind of prayer, mind, nothing but water, overwhelming lack, peace and contentment, place, pray, prayer, Rhine, song, tonight, way, wonder
There is a song by Over the Rhine called Drunkard’s Prayer. I’d like to pray that kind of prayer right now, if you don’t mind. And no, I’ve drunk nothing but water over the past forever, I think, but I am feeling a bit intoxicated, anyway. I am feeling sad and I am trying to [...]
story time.
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as anyone, bedtime, couch, craigslist, dark, darkness, Jase, kid, kind, kudos, light, living room, Mature, mother, name, New York City, opp, opposite, ot, person, place, rain, rent, sad today, sleep, sleeping, someone, store, story, story time, time, today, way
Have I ever told you about the time I tried to move in with The Mature Mother? That is not my name for her; that is what she calls herself. It was back when things were so very dark. It is like the opposite of when you see a light so bright, that it has [...]
a chapel in the woods.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as chapel, cute boys, Don, florescent lights, friend, God, place, right, strip malls, time, whispers of hope, Wilmington, yellow flowers
Today I went on a hike with a friend. And it was startling, actually, where we ended up. Because we were in Wilmington, driving by strip malls and underneath electric lights, when suddenly we turned off a highway and found ourselves right by a river that was doing something right because the land all around [...]
playing in brooklyn.
in Funny Stuff, Performance
as brooklyn, coves, fifth grade, kotex, myspace, place, receipt, right, Shane, stage, tonight, veil
It’s four am and I need to sleep. But not before I say this. Shane and I played in Brooklyn tonight, at a nice little place called The Cove. The stage was small and cute, made even better by the unicorn wearing a pink veil with whom we shared it. At first we couldn’t find [...]
Ingrid, live.
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as chain, everybody, everything, Ingrid, Ingrid Michaelson, Japan, jokester, laugh track, michaelson, Mindy, place, place in my heart, small man, song, thread
So, Ingrid Michaelson. I have to say she was worth everything it took to go see her. Not that it was a lot on my part, per se. Especially when compared to the times you hear about people doing some street side vigils to get tickets. Or staying on the phone for hours. Or paying [...]
playing tokyo
in Performance, photography
as brand, caution to the wind, drew, emotional aspect, gig, Japan, music, one of the guys, own music, place, room, show, theater/tour, today, tokyo, understatement
I think I drank my weight in water today. Two shows and a gig makes for one very tired and thirsty individual, I have realized. Add to that the emotional aspect of being so far from home and communication with loved ones feeling difficult at best, I think tired might be an understatement. But, I [...]
