you can’t take it back.

There are some things you just can’t keep secret.

Like the color of your eyes.

But a secret.
It’s powerful.
It’s the only key to a lock that’s otherwise fast.

And you can’t take it back.

So what do you do when you remember all the secrets that he knows? All the tiny cracks that, slowly, you allowed to crumble the wall known as Boundaries that generally exists between two people. Until you are known, fully known, and you’re mesmerized by it. Caught up in the closeness of it all; the way that he knows just how to wake you up in the morning perfectly. So perfectly, in fact, that you often feigned sleep when you heard him come home from work, just so that he would wake you up again.

But you can’t take it back.

You can’t take back the way that you were a garden enclosed. That when you’d let him in, there were no signs of breaking and entering; but by the time he left, the flowers had stopped blooming and the dandelions that had grown up in droves were a poor consolation prize.

But at least they were yellow, I guess.

And you try to make yourself feel better by saying that maybe he didn’t really know you because how could he walk away so resolutely after knowing you so intimately? But he did. He knew you because that’s all you knew to do: Let him in.

Let him invade your self until all of the facets of love–romance, sex, laughter, mystery, rolling out of bed in the morning with nothing but your honest self to present to each other–they were all synonymous with his name.

And you didn’t know how dangerous that could be.

And you’re grateful that life is a secret that continues to unfold and you feel a little safer each day because you’re not giving them away so easily anymore. And you’re certainly not giving them away to him.

But that is still a little surprising, I guess.

And still comes across in the details.

I guess it was during the final weeks of tour when I started getting into texting with multiple letttttttters for emphasis. Or when I was excited I’d do this!!!!!!!!! Or when I was confused, I’d be like????????? Cause sometimes one is just never enough.

And I’d let people know that I misssssss them!!!!!! And I’d ask them if they were readddddddddy tooooo rummmmmble??????? Well, really only to my brother, Jason. And when it was appropriate, of course.

But I guess Drew missed all that. I couldn’t text with my phone in Canada, but my brother Josh showed me how to do it through my gmail. So I excitedly sent out texts to my brothers, sister, mom, and Drew–but well, everyone but one responded. And no, it wasn’t my brothers, it wasn’t my mom, and it wasn’t my sister who didn’t respond. And the thing about the gmail texts is that, once you send three texts without a response, they won’t let you send any more. I guess they figure that whoever you’re sending them to just isn’t interested.

And yes, the irony isn’t lost on me.

And then once I got back…Well, we haven’t texted much other than business.

But I still let a few multiple question marks slip in.

Which is what prompted Drew to ask me, Why all the ???

And then I realized, it’s the beginning of him not knowing me so well anymore. The beginning of me not quite letting my personality be seen so clearly by him.

Cause you know, I am totally summed up in lots of !!!!!! and ????? and the way that I use tooooooo many letters in succession sometimes.

That’s a definite glimpse into my soul.

But in all seriousness, it struck me when he had to ask me about the way that I text. He never used to have to ask before; now he does.

That says something.