home and when I dreamt about the Ellen Show.
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as brilliance, button down, coffee table, ellen show, enough space, everything, friend john, home, Latshaw, pool table, SHE, sister, skinnier, skinny jeans, sky, space, stage, time, viscerally, way
When I am back in Pennsylvania, everything feels accelerated.
The time goes so quickly; the stars shine with this polished brilliance, like the sky has no wish for any traveler to be turned away, and it burns every last lamp to prove it.
“It’s good to have you home,” my mom tells me.
And then she asks me if the clothes on the pool table are mine. “I don’t think so,” I reply, really hoping it’s so–since I don’t have enough space for the clothes I have that are already accounted for.
“Well, they must be,” she reasons. “The jeans are skinnier than my arms and the underwear is very small and strange.”
My mom has a way with words.
And so I take the ‘very small and strange’ underwear she hands me; I find a place for the super skinny jeans and realize that I guess I did leave some clothes on the pool table, after all.
And, oh! Did I tell you how, the other night, I dreamt (not once, but TWICE!) that I sang on the Ellen Show?
Because I did.
And I don’t normally remember my dreams so viscerally, but this one, I do.
I was right about to walk onto that stage where the couch and the coffee table sit . And there is Ellen, looking adorable in her tailored trousers and cute button down shirt, when I hear this announcement:
AND THIS IS JESSICA LATSHAW. SHE GOES AROUND SINGING, “BABY, YOU AIN’T MY FRIEND.” SHE MUST BE VERY ISOLATED AND HAVE NO FRIENDS.
It sounded like the announcer felt sorry for me, and, honestly, I did, too, once I heard what he said.
But the good news is that I have many friends and don’t feel isolated at all. In fact, I love a little bit of alone time now and then–it’s akin to breathing–meaning, I find it absolutely necessary. And who knows? Maybe I will sing on the Ellen Show at some point. I mean, as my friend John says: miracles happen, so why not to me? That would certainly make my sister pretty excited. And, who am I kidding, it’d make me pretty excited, too.
Speaking of my sister, isn’t she beautiful?
Yes, I think so, too.
crying less, but crying, still.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as change, don t cry, DROPPED, face, feelings, hundredth time, laugh, mascara, old friend, overwhelming evidence, phone, proponent, psalmist, sentences, shithead, space, Tears, today, Voice, way
While feeling sad earlier today, I ponder calling an old friend.
Right when I decide to do it, I happen to see his status on that social network that I don’t really want to mention here, for some reason–not in this space, not today–and I read:
“Dropped my phone in the toilet–email me, if you need me.”
Well, shoot.
And change of plans.
So, I call my mom and I can’t keep the sound of tears from my voice.
But it’s okay to cry; it has to be okay to cry.
And here is the truth: I don’t cry as much as I used to.
What does the Psalmist say? Tears have been my food, day and night…
At one point, I could read that and think, I know what you mean, David. And oh, way to go on killing that giant. I mean, I’m not a huge proponent of killing, myself, but if one has to kill, I suppose offing a giant who is bent on annihilating and enslaving everyone you know and love–not to mention all of the people you don’t know, since it’s, like, a whole nation and stuff–I suppose, that’s the way to go.
But not so much anymore.
I mean, my tears are not so constant now.
Read: growth. Progress. Healing. Mascara.
“These are just feelings,” my mom tells me, for maybe the five hundredth time.
And I need to hear it, for maybe the five hundredth time.
“Feelings change; you won’t always feel this way.”
I can see a picture in these words with which she paints.
Slowly, the sentences drop into my heart; they feel like hope, smell like hope, taste like hope, sound like hope, look like hope–and with this much overwhelming evidence, one must conclude that they have hope.
I mean, it’s elementary, really.
And then, later, a friend calls me.
“What’s going on? What are you feeling? Why are you sad?” he asks.
And I let myself talk and I am crying and apologizing for crying and he’s telling me not to apologize and then he’s calling someone a shithead (on my behalf), which makes me laugh, and now I am crying and laughing at the same time and at least, at the very least, I feel alive.
And the night is a wonder of traffic and headlights and people in cars that are passing me by, again and again, it would seem; but then there’s here and there’s now. Connection. Laughing and crying. With a friend who cares. And that’s a contrast to all the people passing me by, and I take note.
“It’s about choices, Jess,” my friend tells me. “You could lose yourself in a million different ways. Fill up that space in your mind and heart with some mindless guy who likes the way you look and maybe you’d even feel a little better for a little bit. But, I know you. And I think you’d lose yourself and I know you’re waiting for something better, standing on your own two feet, feeling what you need to feel, confronting every piece of your heart all the time.”
I sit and let the tears roll down my face as I listen and every part of me agrees–even, maybe even especially, the part of me that keeps crying. And I am not suddenly happy, no–I am to my emotions as the Cheshire Cat is to his smile. He eventually gets there, and when he does, all of him is smiling. But his grins starts first at the tip of his tail before it works up to lighting his whole face with joy; and no one would guess what’s coming by looking at that flick of a tail, I’d bet, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t steadfastly on its way.
And so happy sometimes takes a while with me. And I didn’t feel it much today, but that’s okay, it doesn’t mean it isn’t close by. Maybe even already at the tip of my tail (metaphorically speaking, of course). But I will say that I stopped crying; I greeted my niece on her birthday with a kiss and a smile.
I did so happily, as a matter of fact.
And also, the sky was streaked with purple at dusk tonight.
So, there’s that.
It made me a little breathless to see it; and though that’s not exactly happy, that’s something very good that I wouldn’t trade, I think.
body language.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as body, body language, collar, curly hair, everything, face, goner, last smile, moment, nice connection, percent, railing, red face, riding on the subway, sort, space, straight face, tiny space, today, world of music
I’ve heard that ninety percent of communication is done through body language. And today, I saw it. See, I was riding on the subway, just sitting down, lost in my world of music. There was a small-ish space next to me and then a lady was sitting in the space right next to that. A [...]
since u been gone/i’m on my way remix.
in MP3, Performance
as ahoy matey, Auto, beginning, Clarkson, dead space, dr frankenstein, Draft, kelly clarkson, keyboard, rain boots, remix, sense, shame, sneakers, song, sort, space, way, would make sense, yellow rain
okay. I did something. I took one part from two different songs. And then I sewed them up together. Kind of like Dr. Frankenstein. Though I hope that this song won’t be misunderstood. And then end up killing some people. That would really be a shame. Anyway. I took some of Since U been Gone, [...]
