in which I say absolutely nothing about the 4th of july.

Sometimes the summer feels big.

Too big; and here I am, small in comparison.

The days have lengthened and I am not sure that I can stretch that far too. I am not sure that I can keep up. It is nighttime but not bedtime and I start to feel the way I can sometimes feel at parties.

Out of place and sort of like how I felt when I first started singing solos on a stage and without a microphone. Suddenly I was overly aware of my arms and my hands and how I just had no earthly idea what I should do with them. Jazz hands are not always the answer, believe it or not, and there I was–singing about longing for home and man, I must have looked like a girl who had never actually met her own arms before. Or if she had, she sure didn’t remember it because look how they reach so awkwardly when they should hang contentedly! look how they hang when it would actually be appropriate to do a subtle reach this time! It was awkward, definitely awkward.

And yes, the other day I was at a party and there were all these couples and then there was me and I couldn’t help but feel claustrophobic and lonely at once. Which was confusing. Because at first you just want to please. get. away. But then you don’t want to be alone. So what do you do? Go crazy with munching on the carrots, I guess, which is what I did. Try not to think about your own life so much and just ask a lot of questions to whomever is on your right or your left, which seems to work out pretty well too.

But summer.

It feels like a pair of pants that I cannot hope to fill out right now. I need a belt because it just doesn’t fit right. Maybe if I make enough adjustments, I can make it work, but right now that effort seems monumental and man, I’m tired, so very tired.

Please realize that I love the season of summer, I do. It’s just that right now the long days feel too long; the short nights too heavy. I am sure I won’t feel like this at some point, cause don’t our feelings like to trick us into believing that finally, they’ve settled down and decided to just stay put? And oh, you’re feeling pretty down right now? Your heart hurts, you say? Then yep. This is when I decide to stay FOREVER. Love, The Way You Feel About Life. But if I’ve learned anything besides the fact that, as a rule, snapping turtles bite with their mouths, it’s that things change. Life progresses. And this too shall pass.

God doesn’t change, though; I think I’ve learned that, too. Or rather, am continuing to learn it. Again and again and again, with each new revolution that surprises me yet another time. Hahaha you keep getting me, life! You’re a good one!

Seriously, though. You are a good one, life. Most of the time. And then there’s God and he’s a good one all of the time. Which needs to settle in and make my heart less sad, I think.

Which should happen just about…anytime now.