First page of the thud archive.

sometimes.

Posted by jessica on Aug 3, 2010 with 4 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Sometimes the monsters you fear are just sprinklers.

And you’re standing there in the dark, clutching a fist full of rocks you’ve scooped from underneath your feet; you’re not wanting to get close enough to whatever it is that’s terrifying you to actually throw them, but at least you’re armed now, and if not dangerous, well–you’re no longer just an innocuous girl. You’re not waiting to be a victim, legs and arms exposed because you were running and wearing shorts and a tank top and you never did expect to be so scared and vulnerable.

Not tonight, anyway.

But then your brother laughs just a little. “It’s just the sprinklers going off!” he says. And you laugh at yourself too and you let go of those rocks and they hit the ground with a thud, respectively, until you’re no longer feeling so weighed down by the weapons you clutched while you were fearing the worst.

Sprinklers, that’s what they were.

And now when you pass those sprinklers, you laugh a little inside your head. And you remember that what you feared so badly was something that couldn’t hurt you, after all.

So you don’t need to walk around with rocks in your hand; you don’t need to run away so fast; you don’t need to fear that every sound you hear is the worst.

Because sometimes the monsters you fear really are just sprinklers.

that’s what I hear in these sounds

Posted by jessica on Sep 20, 2009 with No Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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It’s his footsteps that reach me.

The sounds of stairs, begrudgingly giving way underneath. With a creak, announcing him.
And even though he’s walking away, there’s still the sound of him, and I love those loud stairs for that.
But then the big door swings open and closes with a hollow thud and that’s that. The ensuing silence proving the point that he’s actually gone. Until he starts up that motor, and his old jeep backs up, working too hard to just get out of the neighborhood.
And although that quiet is quite clearly broken, it brings no comfort.
Only isolation.
Like a woman noisily giving you the silent treatment.
She’s banging on various kitchen sundries, making a point to carry overly loud saccharin conversations with everybody else when she’s not humming that tune made famous in high school, and you finally put down your book. You wonder what it was you ever did to make her ignore you so hard.
And that’s how it sounds when he leaves; I like the sound of him coming home much better and at least there’s a cat at my feet and one at my side.
*inspired in part by when he left early this morning…and a song called The Chain, by Ingrid Michaelson:
So glide away and so be healed and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again then i will take, then i will take the chain from off the door