when she told me what to do.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as bolding, emotions, human nature, love, lungs, perceptions, sweatshirt, t shirt, Tiger, yoga
My therapist has a way of taking my LIFE! and making it look more like my life. Totally doable. I mean, like, you know–oh that. That’s just my life. It’s fine…or at least definitely on the way to fine.
Usually she asks me questions and lets me figure out the answers. Usually we both kind of dig together, but I have to be the one to actually unearth…whatever it is I am revealing. Ha. Don’t worry, it’s not like a lung or something. It’s like a thought or a feeling. And nope, it’s not a thought or even a feeling about a lung, either. Sorry. I guess I don’t give much attention to lungs. Except when I sing. Then I fill them up right. With air. And now you are like, GOOD TO KNOW, JESSICA. And I am like, YES, YOU’RE WELCOME. And now we will stop shouting at each other and I will continue to tell you about my therapist.
Because today she did something unprecedented. She told me what to do. She did. She waited for me to take a breath because I was just talking and talking and talking and telling her every little thing that I thought about what is currently happening in the story that is called my particular life, and then she said: let me tell you what to do.
And here’s the thing about this: I kind of love when people tell me what to do. Well, that’s not always true. Once someone told me not to tell people that I take yoga because of certain perceptions others may or may not have about it. My insides bristled and I felt like buying a t-shirt that said something about how I take yoga. And maybe a sweatshirt that says the same. In case it’s, you know, cold.
But sometimes I feel so confused and I get tired of people telling me that I need to do what I feel is right for me and I like it very much when they say something like: I went to school and learned a lot about human nature and emotions and here’s what you should do, Jessica. And, oh yeah, you’re going to be okay, Jessica.
I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT.
(whoa, tiger. calm down with the bolding, italicizing, and caps. leave some room so you have somewhere to go when you’re really excited)
So yes, she gave me a plan and I think I like it. Or maybe the word like is too hasty; what I think, is that I agree with it.
And something else: I went out on a moonlit walk tonight. I saw some bright shiny things in the distance and I wasn’t really even scared. I mean, I stopped walking for a second, pondered if perhaps what I was seeing were eyes that belonged to a creature, and then decided that what will be will be and continued my walk.
And I am glad I did. I listened to the creek for a long time and something like hope sprang up inside me so strongly. It was like finally remembering the melody to a song that you once knew backwards and forwards, but hadn’t thought about for years now. I was standing on a bridge and started tap dancing. I tap dance sometimes, which is hilarious because I am not a tap dancer. Certainly not a good one. Actually I was at dunkin donuts with some friends late at night a bit ago and was tapping in the store. But I kept doing paddles, which move you backwards, and kept running into various things that were behind me (cause I was going backwards, see?). Later, when we met a guy who was camped out in the place and he asked me what I did, I told him I dance. “Yeah, I saw you dancing,” he said. “So you saw me run into things?” I asked. “Sure did,” he replied. Great, I thought.
Oh. But I was on this bridge and I felt hopeful. Eureka! What is this?! If it is the kind of thing that makes me dance on bridges and listen to creeks and believe in better things and tell myself that life is really quite beautiful and actually believe it when I tell this to myself, then I will take it.
And so I did. I took it home, and it’s still here, somewhere, I know it.
the fresh start room.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as America, brother jonathan, dear god, Delaware, fresh start, God, honeymoon, jonathan, little trip, lot, question, reason america, start, Tiger
So my brother Jonathan has a new blog up and running.
I just read his post about a first that he recently experienced. And um, it’s one heck of a first, I’ve got to say.
Which reminds me of today.
As if I really need a reminder.
As if the email I got from outofyourlife.com isn’t enough. The one confirming that they did, indeed, receive the breakup box I sent them with all the jewelry that has lost its meaning. And oh yeah, it ends with this special piece of encouragement:
Who needs a honeymoon when you can have a fresh start?
And though the only thing that could have made that sentence better is if they had ended it with the word, Tiger–well, who indeed?
And hahaha, who writes this stuff anyway? To which, when I asked him, my friend replied (to this rhetorical question!), Well, you could! And yes, I certainly could. Dear God, but I could.
But I guess another answer to the question, Who writes this stuff anyway? could be: someone whose honeymoon must have really sucked. And actually? I could use a nice little trip to somewhere warm right about now. But yes, it’s true: I could also use a fresh start. No, actually I plan on using a fresh start. And I’m not totally clear on the details yet, but honestly, it’s good. And it’s wide open. And I think there are a lot of windows there.
Kind of like the room I dream of.
It’s got lots of space and doesn’t bother to crowd itself with anything other than music and words and people who love them both. Maybe even some dancing, too. Definitely some dancing. And there is wood, beautiful wooden floors that remind you of forests and how sometimes they lay down and let you walk on them and goodness, but we should be more grateful for this. And then there are large windows and they let in the kind of light that is kind, that illuminates the beauty; and that only allows the safest people to witness the parts of you that are the reason America spends so much money on lotions and creams and padding and things that suck you in. And yes, there’s a grand piano and yes, there’s a guitar made of treewood, and yes, there are many other instruments there because I have good friends who like to sing their stories, too.
And perhaps I will call it the Fresh Start Room. And I will sit in it and make my music and come under the spell of redemption over and over again and not once will I think, I wish I were at Sandals, enjoying a honeymoon with a man who doesn’t love me. Because that sounds a lot like looking at what isn’t and why would anyone waste any time doing that when, look: it’s just about springtime. If that isn’t God’s way of reminding all of us about a fresh start, then fine, I quit. Cause I don’t want to be in a dance that isn’t new again and again anyway; I might as well just watch tv.
Which is why I went and filed the papers today. For real. Signed and stamped and organized and copied and paid for by a check from my recently opened bank account.
And because my marriage has ended with a blow that Delaware kindly cloaks in the word misconduct, this will not take so long after all.
Two to three weeks.
For the state to recognize it’s over.
Although, really, it ended back in August. Well, that’s assuming that it ever really began. In a real way that takes two people, I mean. But yes, whatever it was, ended back in the late summer. It just took me a minute to realize. Okay, it took me a lot of minutes to realize. And added up, I think all those minutes spell H-E-L-L, at least compared to anything else I’ve ever experienced on earth.
And now I’m looking forward to these new minutes. I think they’ll be better. I think they’ll be full of grace. I think I’ll be okay. Dear God, may it be.
