First page of the Voice archive.

a plan for meeeeeeee!

Posted by jessica on Aug 30, 2010 with 25 Comments
in Thoughts and Feelings
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So.
I might as well just say it.
Because, see, I’ve been making plans.
Yes, plans.
I know, it’s been a while.
See, they were some of the first things to go, back when my life did that thing where it looked like it was ending.
Oh life, you really got me with that one.
Silly life! tricks are for kids.
But then it turned out to be more like a caterpillar than anything else.
Because it didn’t end.
It was just in chrysalis, I guess.
And now I’m not gonna go around and start telling people that I’m a butterfly, but I will say that maybe life is like a butterfly.
But I don’t wanna say that I’m a butterfly because I don’t wanna sound like this guy I know.
He auditioned for Beauty and the Beast and, when they asked him if he was auditioning for the role of Beast, he said, “I’m not auditioning for the role of Beast, I am the Beast.”
He said it in a low and proud voice; he said it like he was Gaston telling people he was the Beast.
And yes, it was confusing.
And yes, he did sound a little ca-razy.
And no, he didn’t get the role.
But I will say that life is sometimes like a caterpillar, though I am not quite sure where to fit all those legs in the metaphor.
And life is sometimes like a cocoon, though that’s tough on people who get claustrophobic.
And life is sometimes like a butterfly, which is why my life is like a butterfly.
See?
But plans.
Because I have some.
Or at least one.
And I like it very much.
I take it with me everywhere I go.
Like that doll from the nineties called My Buddy, only way less creepy.
And it involves going to an open house in October.
An open house at a school.
Cause I am applying for grad school, folks.
And I’m gonna be going for the business of words and writing them down.
And there will be teachers and lots to learn and I think my whole face lights up when I talk about it, or at least that’s what my therapist said to me.
So this is my plan.
yay.
cue music and end scene.

hardy har har.

Posted by jessica on Jul 28, 2010 with 12 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
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When I talk to my therapist, I often preface something I am about to say with, This probably sounds crazy…”

And then I say whatever it is I am saying.

And then she promptly disagrees with me.

In fact, she has not told me that I am crazy once.

Not even when I told her that I sometimes joke about what’s happened. You know, the whole my-husband-had-an-affair-and-that’s-just-some-of-the-story.

What, you’re not laughing? Well, okay. Maybe when I put it like that, it’s not exactly a knee slapper, but sometimes things just strike me as hilarious.

Like tonight, at a bible study.

We were talking about prayer and how we listen for God to answer some of our questions. And I was trying to make the point that sometimes, when it’s a really important decision, I don’t just listen for that often talked about still small voice. I also look for peace in my heart and the counsel of people I trust and you know, if it’s a door that is opening and is indisputably good. I mean, I don’t really just ask God really high stakes questions and wait for a yes or no and then run blindly on that.

But what I said was this:

I don’t just ask God questions and wait for an answer. Like…I never asked God who I should marry…

And then what I said dawned on me, probably right after it dawned on everybody else. And I remembered who I actually had married and what a disaster that turned out to be. So I quickly tagged on:

…But maybe I should have.

And all of us burst out laughing, every one of us in that room. I think someone even managed to say that they loved me, in between bursts of laughter, of course.

I felt myself get warm all over and I was good and embarrassed and for once, I was kind of speechless for a good minute or two. And afterwards, my friend Christian and I were talking about it and laughing again. That was just too good, Jess, he said. Of all the examples you could have brought up…!!!

And I know, I know. Ridiculous.

But also? Hilarious.

bones

Posted by jessica on Nov 18, 2009 with 4 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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I wrote this when I was going through it a while back. I like the word it because it’s so vague. Even though it doesn’t specify exactly what it was that I was going through, you can rest assured that I was certainly in the midst of it. So yeah, it’s nice to be able [...]

peace

Posted by jessica on Jun 20, 2009 with No Comments
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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Drew. Such a small word for such a big heart. He’s a lifeline to me. A mirror that reflects me in a way that is far too generous. He’s not close right now, but he is, he is. He’s right here, safe in my thoughts, causing me to smile for a reason that to all [...]