First page of the way archive.

the best laid plans of mice and men.

Posted by jessica on Jul 26, 2010 with 8 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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Plans change.

It’s one of the few things that I know. That, and how peanut butter makes almost any situation better. Also, there’s the matter of the ocean and how to this day, scientists are discovering new creatures in its depths all the time. So I also know that we don’t know everything.

And all that makes me think of God.

For some reason, the way that the more we know actually reveals how much more we have to learn, makes me believe in him more. I like the weight that meaning gives to my every day and I cannot attribute meaning to life without God.

It’s like the difference between a robot building a structure and a man in love building a home. The robot constructs it with the correct measurements, sure, but there is no soul in the work. No emotion attached to the project, no kind of love that would cause a seven year project to feel only like seven days, he is so greatly anticipating the end result and what that means.

Because, meaning; it’s so weighty.

But the man in love–now, he builds a home. He draws it and dreams it. He falls asleep thinking of the way he can make the windows just so with a view of the ocean through the two in the front. He puts his heart into the project and the time he spends on it is nothing compared to the meaning he takes from it; a home for the one he loves.

And I think of God like that man in love. I’ve never loved robot stories so much, though I have heard very good things about Wall-E, but a love story? Now, that gets inside me. It goes deep and eventually yields the kind of garden that I can live off of for a very long time.

But what I meant to talk about was how plans change.

Like today, for instance. When we were all set to go swim in the 7,000 acres near my house. But then we hear a roll of thunder spread across the sky like dominoes are falling, but judging from the volume, these must be very big dominoes, indeed. And then the rain starts to fall and we already have our bathing suits on, so I tell the brave souls who will listen that it is time to go outside and march in the rain.

We are in our bathing suits anyway, I reason. But there is thunder! exclaims my mom. Shouldn’t you stay safe and inside? But thunder is just noise and I will not stay inside because of noise, though I did mollify her somewhat by promising to stay close to the house, at least.

So we ran outside. Eli, Emmy, Josh, and myself saw the trampoline and it seemed downright lovely to jump about in the storm.

And it was.

If it had been a movie, and had I been with people to who I was not directly related, it would have been a scene in which I fell in love. But I have learned that there is lots of magic left to the world, even when it does not include the business of falling in love, per se.

That isn’t to say that I didn’t exactly not fall in love. There was still the storm and the great leaps we were engaging in; I was definitely in love with all that business.

And my point is that we never did get to go to the 7,000 acres today. But what we did do was quite fetching anyway. And I don’t think I’ve ever written the word fetching before. Perhaps I should also tell Scarlett O’Hara that frankly, my dear, I don’t give a d**n. I mean, since I am saying antiquated things, and all.

But right, plans. They change. And since God is like a man building a home for the one he loves, I think he does something to help make sure it still turns out a masterpiece.

Life, I mean.

shapes of grace

Posted by jessica on Jul 22, 2010 with 17 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, video
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Don’t you dare give up, my dear

you can’t see through all the tears, but I’ll tell you what’s here

a bright burning flame, a strong sense that you’re so alive

and yes, the sun will rise; you’ll do more than survive

So don’t you judge this life by just one hand

for such cruelty can’t last and his anthem won’t stand

you sing your songs, you go on and hope anyway

and remember you’re more, so much more than they say

And there’s no need to fly away

you close your eyes and you let your body sway

and the world won’t blink, for fear it will miss

the way your body makes such shapes of grace

the way your body makes such shapes of grace…


p.s. I would really prefer that I never ever look the way the video chose to freeze me. Just saying.

good, I think.

Posted by jessica on Jul 10, 2010 with 4 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Today I woke up feeling inexplicably better. I haven’t been lately, you know. Feeling better, I mean. What I have been feeling is just like the littlest victim that could. And what could I do? Fall prey to every sad and dark thought that came my way. Oh, and I was doing it so well, [...]

somebody.

Posted by jessica on Jun 27, 2010 with 10 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Today I got to hold some dear friends’ brand new little baby girl. She is the sweetest part of life, I think; she is small and so very important, innocent and unashamed of her needs. I think I can learn from her. I think that it is a tricky thing, trying to be strong and [...]

it’s right here.

Posted by jessica on Jun 17, 2010 with 8 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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I don’t know about you, but well, the stars. How do they do that? How is it that I’ve seen them so many times now–that surely, I must have memorized the way they fan out in the sky above me, but no. Because there are still nights like this one. When I look up and suddenly [...]

lately.

Posted by jessica on May 28, 2010 with 18 Comments
in Thoughts and Feelings
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Lately I have been living on California time and I need to remember that the morning still happens and a lot of people even see it. Lately I have felt like hiding and people keep finding me anyway. I know this is a good thing, but sometimes I cannot tell you what I am planning. [...]

you don’t come around here anymore.

Posted by jessica on May 20, 2010 with 24 Comments
in Performance, video
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I wrote this song back in October. Or maybe November. And I was too embarrassed to show it then, because I didn’t want people to know that I wasn’t loved anymore. I was still working really hard at pretending like things were good. My face would hurt from the way I’d arrange my features, thinking [...]

lots.

Posted by jessica on May 18, 2010 with 12 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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Every moment was mapped out for me between the hours of 2:30 and 9:00 tonight. And it was kind of nice, because everything that I was doing involved either people, music, or dance, and I happen to be in love with all three of those. And it was kind of tiring. And it made me [...]

thoughts and a song for you tonight.

Posted by jessica on May 13, 2010 with 24 Comments
in Funny Stuff, MP3, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
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I think that I like weather reports very much because, in a way, they are a small glimpse of what my life will look like in the future. And yes, I realize it’s the very near future–and a faulty prediction at that. But, still. At least when the ladies gather round me in the church [...]

love will save the day, framed.

Posted by jessica on Apr 25, 2010 with 10 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings, photography
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A gift from my dear friend, Christine. Strange as it may sound, it’s celebrating the way things have changed so drastically. The way that what I thought was love was not love; how at the same time, a startling contrast showed up: real love. Relentless love. And it’s as beautiful as the way the dark [...]