First page of the weight archive.

lucky and stuff.

Posted by jessica on Feb 4, 2012 with 14 Comments
in Loved Ones, Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
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“This is for you,” my pop told me, handing me an adorable little purse across the table tonight.

“It’s a recording present…and it has a ukulele on it!”

And look at that–isn’t it so adorable? I am one very lucky girl.

And WE DID IT!

We recorded FOUR SONGS in just under TWO DAYS. And, I must say, I am so excited about these tracks. I keep listening to them. In fact, I went to the gym tonight (yes, I’m the girl who goes to the gym on a Friday night. Romantic, I know)–but, I was in the weight room and listening to this one part of my song that breaks down into a rap. And there’s this rolling snare drum that just makes me SO EXCITED (that’s why I used caps, guys, cause caps are EXCITING!), I cannot help but dance when I hear it. So, I am standing there with one weight in my hand while the rest of me is sort of dancing, when one of the trainers walks up to me.

“What are you listening to that’s making you dance?” he asks.

And for a second, I can’t even hear him, my music is blasting so loud through my earphones. I see that he’s not going to stop asking me whatever it is he’s asking, so I regrettably stop the music and listen to his question.

And am instantly embarrassed and evasive.

“Oh…” I say, scrambling to think of something–ANYTHING!–other than: “Myself. I am listening to myself and it’s making me dance. And, oh yeah. I don’t go on dates on Friday nights–I go to the gym. At least you’re here because you’re getting paid to be here; I cannot say the same about myself…”

Right, so I don’t want to say that, so I say, “Oh…it’s nobody you would know…” and just kind of hope he goes away.

But he keeps standing right in front of me, staring, muscles bulging through his polo shirt, looking like he’s ready to talk to me about whatever it is that’s making me dance —even if it takes all night. Or at least until ten, when the Y closes.

“What kind of answer is that?!” he says, “Come on, what are you listening to?!”

“Uh…myself? I am listening to myself…” I finally admit. “I didn’t want to tell you that I was dancing to my music. That’s kind of embarrassing to be caught doing. I mean, I never thought anyone would ever ask me what was making me dance…”

And then that led to a whole conversation about me being a musician and then another guy came over and, having talked to me at my parents’ Y last time I was in town, asked me if I’ve cut some weight. Cut some weight. Not lost it. Huge body building men have their own language, guys. So I admitted that I might have. “But not on purpose–I’ve just been so busy lately, that I keep forgetting to eat.”

Which, once these guys got over the shock and incredulity of anyone EVER forgetting to eat, of all things, led to us talking about what’s happened since youtube happened to me.

And then I came home and played the tracks for my parents and one of their dogs. Strider seemed to enjoy it. Well, he slept through it, but he seemed to enjoy whenever I scratched his ears–and my tracks were playing when I was doing it–so there’s that. My parents listened to it in a kind of reverie, smiling or moving a little or closing their eyes (but unlike Strider, I am pretty sure they didn’t fall asleep).

My nephew and brother are geniuses in the studio. Their help is immeasurable and I could not do this without them.

Like I said, I am one lucky girl.

hodgepodge.

Posted by jessica on Jan 3, 2011 with 8 Comments
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Here’s a question for you: who drops a weight on their face?

*this is the unfortunate part of the story when I raise my hand. And then, since my hand is already so conveniently close to my nose, I scratch it. And then I wince in pain. And then I remember that I am raising my hand because I DROPPED A WEIGHT ON MY FACE.

I would have felt more embarrassed, too, if it hadn’t hurt so much. I did get a puffy lip, though, and those kind of look cool, actually. All red and big, the vain part of me was like, but now your lip looks so pretty! And then the rest of me was like, Shut up! My nose hurts! And my eyes are tearing up from the pain…Till the rest of me had to admit to the vain part of me that yes, you have a point; my lip does look rather cool right now…

But, moving on.

I think the sky performs miracles every day. One of them is twilight. I love to watch that kind of change, I really do. There are a lot of changes that are hard to watch. I’ve been forced to see them. At times, life is a television show that I absolutely hate and yet nobody seems to know how to turn it off, least of all me. But the changes in the sky bring me comfort and lets me know how wonderful something new can be. That kind of change does a better job of giving me hope than most things, lately.

I’ve also been thinking about babies. Nope, not having one, so much–not now, at least–but I’ve been thinking about how the most beautiful and precious gifts are given to us in immense pain. From what I understand, there is unimaginable and unescapable pain and suffering–YES SUFFERING–and that’s when a baby appears. That’s when such purity and inestimable value appears on the scene.

Okay then, this gives me hope, too.

on goals.

Posted by jessica on Nov 3, 2010 with 2 Comments
in Thoughts and Feelings
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I am not sure how it happens, but it does This slow steady crawl of redemption; this limping gait across the finish line. And the funny part is that just when you see it underneath your feet, it turns into the quickest bunny that darts into the woods and out of sight once again. And [...]

why I like how running makes my face turn red.

Posted by jessica on Mar 2, 2010 with 27 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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I think it’s funny when people mention my weight. Or rather, lack thereof. Sometimes I smile and agree and say, Yep. I’m a thin one, and sometimes I recommend the simple, My-husband-had-an-affair-and-that’s-not-even-half-of-it-diet. Which response do you think makes people feel like they wish they had just never mentioned my weight in the first place? And [...]