First page of the while archive.

so this is Christmas.

Posted by jessica on Dec 18, 2011 with 4 Comments
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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So I’m high on cough drops and Emergen-C and about three hours of
broken up sleep.

If you cannot be high on life, then that is the next best thing, I guess.

It’s Christmas time and I decided that, gosh darnit, I’m gonna effing enjoy this holiday. I’m tired of being sad and haunted by memories that keep me quiet and pensive and picking the skin off my lips. I mean, my lips hurt, for goodness’ sake.

So.

So far, so good.
Kinda.
I trimmed the tree. Literally. Took out my pop’s weed whacker-ish gizmo and just started giving that tree the haircut of its life. “Jess! Be careful–you’re making him all short and spiky,” my mom yelled from the ground.

“I have a plan, mom,” I said in the kind of voice God probably uses with me all the time. You know, when I’m doubting that he knows what he’s doing. Or I’m just generally wondering if he even remembers I’m still here. Like he suddenly looks down, sees me doing yoga or something, does a double take and announces to Archangel Gabriel, “Wait–Jess survived that mess a little while back?! She’s still going?”

“Just like the Energizer Bunny,” says Gabriel, never one to miss the chance to reference a popular commercial from the nineties.

And then God forgets about me all over again as He and Gabe reminisce over that darn, unstoppable bunny.

Oh, I’m kidding.
I know God knows about me. And cares much more about me than He does the Energizer Bunny. And I also bet Gabriel makes way better jokes than that.

But, the tree. I trimmed and decorated it within an inch of its spiky green life. And then my parents and I sang carols. I played the piano. It was a scene straight out of Little Women, only I’m hoping I don’t catch scarlet fever from the people in the woods and die. I mean to say, I hope the piano playing and carol singing is where the similarities end.

And then I went to a Christmas party last night. I was naive about how it’d make me feel. And excited to make shake paws–a delicious cookie/candy treat that I learned about from Darby. I made half a million of them, at least, tried to dress festively, and showed up to my dear friends’ party.

The one filled with couples. Smiling, laughing couples who talk about their kids and their spouses and their ugly Christmas sweaters. And that last one, at least, I had a chance to fit in with that–but I ran out of time to find one. So my one hope at solidarity with these lovely people was
squashed when I wore a sweater that was neither ugly nor Christmas.

And it’s not that I don’t love that people are married. I do. Or that I don’t love that people are in love. Gosh, but I love
that fact.I Believe in that fact. It’s just–the last time I attended this same kind of party–I was one of them. And now I am not. And the contrast hit me again last night. Hit me hard.

So I left early enough to be considered tacky at best and rude at worst, and went and rapped and played the piano for a while by myself.

What–that’s not what you do when you’re feeling desperately discouraged?

Oh, and to top it all off, I recently received an email from Facebook. And it said:

[My Ex's Name] has scheduled to delete your profile page within fourteen days.

I stared at the absurdity of it for a while. I forwarded it to my brother, along with a few choice words. Choice words makes it sound much worse than it was, though. Don’t worry, it’s not like I was echoing the language of Mordor or something.

I figured out how to keep the cyber ax from dropping on my cyber neck and was able to save my cyber life and keep my ex from cyber murdering me. CAN WE SAY CHRISTMAS MIRACLE?!

Yes.
Yes, we can.
(how bout that, Mr. Obama, I can say it, too!)

To be fair, the would-be cyber murderer did apologize. Apparently, he didn’t mean to schedule to terminate my Facebook page. Accidents do happen.

And now it’s one week until Christmas and I’m gonna focus on the people I love and the presents I get to buy them and how grateful I am to be alive.

Both in reality and on Facebook.

I wish you the world.

Posted by jessica on Nov 25, 2011 with 2 Comments
in Loved Ones, MP3, video
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So, this song.

I wrote it for some dear friends in A Chorus Line.

My life went through such an about face right when I got off tour, though, that I completely forgot about it for a while.

Until I suddenly remembered. At least that it happened, I mean.

“Remember that song I wrote for you (and some others), John?” I asked my friend one day while we were hanging out.

“Yeah, Jess–I love that song.”

“Well, I completely forget it–the words, the melody, the chords–everything.”

“Thanks a lot,” he said, sarcastically.

But, slowly, the chorus found its way back to me. And then I stumbled upon a recording of a gig I did in Toronto, and the song was on it, and voila! here it is. Remembered.

And it still applies to my friends from A Chorus Line.

And it applies to some friends I’ve met since then, too. And even some friends I’ve known for a nice, long while.

I just love and appreciate so much how we can learn from each other; I am grateful, truly grateful, that my friends are different from me. That they challenge me. Show me life from a unique angle that I’d never have seen, had it not been for them.

Happy.

Posted by jessica on Nov 12, 2011 with 8 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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“Well, you look happy,” the guy behind the cash register told me tonight. “That’s because I am,” I said, smiling. And I wish that I could go back to the girl laying in bed, believing–no, convinced–that she would never be happy again. That life was nothing more than a series of appropriate times to brush [...]

yellow.

Posted by jessica on Oct 9, 2011 with 4 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
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Once, a friend and I went to dinner. It had been a while. Too long, truth be told. We talked of many things and told each other not to settle for less than the things we dream of. We drove away that night, bellies full and hearts fuller. And then another month or so went [...]

the magic pill.

Posted by jessica on Sep 24, 2011 with 9 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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I am going to talk about being a woman for a second. I hope this doesn’t make anyone feel too uncomfortable. But, see, sometimes–no, every month, actually–I get these really bad cramps. They’ve been so bad before, that I’ve considered going to the hospital. Anyway, I told my magical doctor about this. (It only took [...]

shhhhh.

Posted by jessica on Sep 23, 2011 with 5 Comments
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
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My parents’ million pound dog just stepped on my face and I don’t even care. That’s how tired I am right now. Today we started teching Chicago. It was fun. Partly because I didn’t have to wear my heels and instead could wear my rad duckboots (since we weren’t dancing full out), and partly because [...]

on hair length and spiders and jokes.

Posted by jessica on Sep 22, 2011 with 7 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
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First things first. My hair. It must be finally getting longer. I hear that’s what happens when you don’t cut it. Anyway, the reason I think this is because my pop said something while picking me up from the Chinatown bus. (who must be missing me, by the way; it’s been a couple weeks) But [...]

oh, dusk!

Posted by jessica on Sep 18, 2011 with 5 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Dusk has a way of setting the sky on fire. It’s startling, really. I like to go outside during that time; it’s when I want to look and look forever. It’s when everything around me feels so beautiful, that the longing I have for more! than! this!  feels met. For a while, I mean. I [...]

thursday+friday.

Posted by jessica on Aug 27, 2011 with 5 Comments
in Loved Ones, Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
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Yesterday, me and my nephew Jonah made some magic happen in the studio.Seriously, he’s a WIZ at recording. Brilliant musician. Smart smart smart. And pretty adorable, to boot. I can’t wait to share what we did, but it’s not quite finished yet, so I am practicing restraint. Not gonna share it until it’s actually ready. [...]

fancy-schmancy.

Posted by jessica on Aug 24, 2011 with 6 Comments
in Funny Stuff
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“I think I got hit on by…like, a professional or something.” “What?” Leao asked. “What do you mean, a professional?” “Well, he had a fancy card.” “A business card?” “No–like, a social card, I think. It was a card with just the guy’s first name and his phone number on it.” “Well, what happened?” And [...]