Posted by jessica on Mar 12, 2011 with
8 Comments
in
I Lift My Eyes Up,
Thoughts and Feelings
as
counselor,
crossing the delaware,
Delaware River,
elephant,
enormous job,
grief,
happenstance,
how to read a map,
melody beattie,
nobody,
purpose,
sad cry,
self,
self help book,
self-help,
swagger back,
tiny pieces,
today,
women
I picked up a book by happenstance today.
*note to self: nobody says ‘happenstance;’ at least not since George Washington was crossing the Delaware River. Something he did not do by happenstance, either. I am pretty sure Mr. Washington crossed rivers during wars on purpose. That’s the impression I get, anyway.
But the nice thing about having a counselor for a mom is that there are all kinds of help-you-get-your-swagger-back books around here. So I started reading one about grief today. And sure enough, I found it applying to my life. I ask you: is there any self-help book that does not apply to my life? I dare you to find one. I bet that, even if someone gave me Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps–in which the very title irritates me–I’d come out on the other side of that book knowing how to read a map. Or at least knowing why I can’t. In other words: helped.
But last night I found myself telling a friend something. I was honest. I was frustrated. I said something about how all of this feels so unfair. That I was not unfaithful, that I didn’t go off and make a series of bad choices–and yet here I am, feeling like I am on relationship probation and left with this mess that I never made but am given the enormous job of cleaning up, anyway.
And then I read what Melody Beattie wrote about therapy and grief and healing:
“I feel numb. Or I cry. Or I sit and stare. I listen to the same songs over and over. I can’t work,” I tell the therapist. “I can’t get on with my life.”
What’s her advice? “If you feel sad, cry. If you feel numb, feel that. Ninety-five dollars, please.”
It’s the best money I ever spent, but it takes time to understand. You don’t eat an elephant all at once. You eat it bite by bite. I don’t want to eat an elephant. I know, but there’s one on your plate. Break life into tiny pieces. A day at a time? No! Smaller than that. I don’t have to accept [what happened]? Accept what I’m feeling now? I hate it that he’s gone. I can’t stand my life. I don’t want to be here. Those are the feelings you need to accept. It hurts. Resistance hurts worse.
–The Grief Club
And man, I never wanted to eat this particular elephant. But here it is on my plate. Sometimes it feels like a lot. Sometimes I have lost my appetite. But reading this gives me courage. Because, see, that place where I can’t stand my life? I am not there anymore, folks. That bit of the elephant was chewed and swallowed and you won’t see it on my plate anymore. I am not sure how much of the elephant is left, but it’s not as much as was once there.
But I also look forward to the day when I look at my plate and the elephant is gone.
*please note that no elephants were harmed or eaten during the writing of this blog post.
Posted by jessica on Jun 27, 2009 with
No Comments
in
Funny Stuff,
Thoughts and Feelings
as
Amos,
chain,
chain link fence,
Deanna,
Emily,
fence,
fence river,
God,
humor,
link,
Madeline Albright,
perfect conversation,
period,
ridiculous ideas,
river,
Rosa Parks,
strength,
sweet strains,
walk,
women
The sweet strains of Japanese are serenading me right now as my roommate faithfully practices the language of the land which we are visiting at the end of the summer.
She now knows how to say, An adult woman is swimming, which will be a perfect conversation starter at the stage door, I am sure.
I mean, really, there’s got to be an adult woman swimming somewhere in the world at that moment, even if it isn’t exactly pertinent to the situation at hand.
I am feeling content with my thorough knowledge of the word, konichiwa.
That means hello, as you probably already know.
I plan on saying that a lot.
And when they ask me if I’ve had Japanese lessons, I will simply and modestly say no–self-taught, actually. And then I will take a sniff and mention something about how languages are just intuitive with some people.
As is the need to rise to a challenge.
To scale any wall.
And I don’t mean that metaphorically, at least not tonight.
See, three of us are walking home tonight and on a whim decide to take the river walk to get there. It’s just lovely here and who doesn’t want to see the moon reflecting on the water as much as possible?
That’s what I thought.
Anyway, we start on the river walk and much to our chagrin see that it has been closed off with a chain link fence, due to some sort of construction or other such nonsense.
We probably would have just taken the two block detour and veered away from the river walk had it not been for the two heckling men that were sitting by the chain link fence.
River walk’s closed, ladies, the one guy seems only too happy to report to us.
Yep, you’re gonna have to go around, guy number two says, I mean, whatcha gonna do–scale that fence in those pretty dresses?
And with that they both share an extremely long and generous laugh at what, to them, must seem like the most preposterous and ridiculous idea ever swapped between two men in the history of manly idea swapping.
And I am pretty sure there have been a fair share of ridiculous ideas swapped.
Just saying.
We don’t need to say anything, really, their laugh having sealed the deal.
With resolution in our steps, we walk up those stairs and right up to the chain link fence. Like a good team, we work together.
Deanna stands directly behind me, blocking the men’s view, should my dress lift a little too much as I am the first to scale the fence. With the river on my right and chain link on my left, I loop a leg over the fence. As I swing my body over it I glimpse one of the guys in the peanut gallery with his camera poised at me.
Perfect.
Hopefully he has a blog.
We pass bags for each other to hold and link arms as, one after the other, all three of us safely make it across.
We are Superwoman, Madeline Albright, and Rosa Parks all at once.
We take a few paces feeling quite proud of ourselves, laughing and savoring the moment as we leave those hecklers behind when suddenly we come upon an even bigger chain link fence.
Shoot.
Turning back is not an option.
Not with Thing 1 and Thing 2 back there; not with their camera and not with their laughter.
Again, we walk up to it, determined to make this thing work.
Thank God we are dancers. There is a hole, a tiny space between the chain link fence and the railing and one by one, we shimmy through, passing bags and grabbing hands.
We come through as women victorious. We wear dresses and climb fences.
And oh yeah, we get our periods.
Which is why I sent this text to my friend Emily today:
So I got my period at the beach today
and I fully blame you, my friend. Thanks
for dragging me into your lunar cycle;
really appreciate it…
After a few moments, I hadn’t gotten any texts back from her, which surprised me a little.
Finally my phone lit up with a text and I looked down to see this from Amos:
With all due respect…I don’t get a period so bugger off!!!
Oops!!!!
